Guy who uses a fleshlight as a dildo holder

Someone should really tell the fish about 9/11

I'm so broody recently I've started sitting on scotch eggs hoping they'll hatch

Scientists should spend less time on global warming and more finding out whether we've found everything that could be made into a crumble. Apple, rhubarb, peach. There's just gotta be more.

Wish pleading insanity wasn't just limited to a court setting. I would be pleading insanity at yo sushi if I could.

Someone said minions have both the taste and texture of a Bannana and fuck I wanna put one of those cunts in a crumble

Hoping the announcement is that they've just been taking the piss for the past 10 years

Want a really hard escape room challenge but low on funds? Consider going to prison, if you escape from there they send you to an even harder one.

Now that Doctor Who has finally disappeared up it's own arse I am free to pursue other activities like fly tipping and fucking your mum. Thanks Russell!

Every funeral has an open casket if you're my nosey ass

I'm gonna get myself a pair of Jorts just as soon as I stop laughing at the word Jorts

The lil spider making a web in the corner of my bedroom has been looking VERYYYYY shifty since the JFK files dropped. Perhaps he did it or knows who did.

This flu got my head feeling like the apple from the painting The listening Room by Rene Magritte (1952) all big and fucked

I think about Walton Goggins minimum 3 times a day and I hope in some small way he thinks about me too

Funerals have gone woke! back in my day you'd get a doggy bag with a piece of the deceased in it to take home

My last six brain cells

In cake world, Pancake day is the one day a year a cake can be as flat as they want and none of the other cakes can say anything

Saw this today. The fact they can go anywhere makes me viscerally sick. Sure, you mostly find them around ponds and parks but there's nothing stopping them from going into say a Five guys or home bargains for example. When Global warming renders this planet lifeless I hope they are the first to go.