Eli
@eliaswhittaker.bsky.social
Comedy writing, life-long easy target.
Paramount trying to be United Healthcare.
July 18, 2025 at 9:57 AM
Paramount trying to be United Healthcare.
I remember Zoolander came out in 2001. Was there anything else?
June 10, 2025 at 12:43 AM
I remember Zoolander came out in 2001. Was there anything else?
25% loading circle gets win at Tyson Paul fight.
November 16, 2024 at 4:57 AM
25% loading circle gets win at Tyson Paul fight.
If the mannequin doesn't have a belly button ring scar what am I doing there?
July 16, 2024 at 4:41 PM
If the mannequin doesn't have a belly button ring scar what am I doing there?
Squid Game 2: Don't Wake Daddy
July 16, 2024 at 4:47 AM
Squid Game 2: Don't Wake Daddy
Real men slip on banana peels into your DMs.
May 20, 2024 at 6:43 AM
Real men slip on banana peels into your DMs.
I listened to 1989. Not one song about the Berlin Wall.
April 23, 2024 at 4:47 PM
I listened to 1989. Not one song about the Berlin Wall.
Get yourself a girl who brags about crop dusting her coworkers.
April 7, 2024 at 7:46 PM
Get yourself a girl who brags about crop dusting her coworkers.
I'm not watching the ad YouTube. You can show me the Ted Talk from 2015 or not.
April 2, 2024 at 6:25 AM
I'm not watching the ad YouTube. You can show me the Ted Talk from 2015 or not.
If you are feeling precarious today I'd suggest this bagel with both of our seeds. We call it everything.
March 16, 2024 at 7:41 PM
If you are feeling precarious today I'd suggest this bagel with both of our seeds. We call it everything.
In movie news Van Wilder rated better than the movie about Van Wilder.
March 16, 2024 at 7:24 PM
In movie news Van Wilder rated better than the movie about Van Wilder.
I am the reason your gas station is out of green tea.
February 23, 2024 at 3:40 PM
I am the reason your gas station is out of green tea.
I kindly told a man his baseball hat was on backwards and he looked at me like I had a problem.
January 16, 2024 at 4:18 PM
I kindly told a man his baseball hat was on backwards and he looked at me like I had a problem.
Stubbing my toe so hard it ruins my appetite.
January 3, 2024 at 8:27 PM
Stubbing my toe so hard it ruins my appetite.
Being the same height as Tony Robbins does nothing.
January 3, 2024 at 7:01 PM
Being the same height as Tony Robbins does nothing.
Ghosts don't have a clue these days. You think opening my kitchen cabinet door will scare me? I haven't had health insurance for eleven years.
August 4, 2023 at 7:07 PM
Ghosts don't have a clue these days. You think opening my kitchen cabinet door will scare me? I haven't had health insurance for eleven years.
Something has to be done about these shootings. Your move DraftKings.
July 30, 2023 at 7:34 PM
Something has to be done about these shootings. Your move DraftKings.
Twitter suggested I might like Guy Fieri, so here I am.
July 30, 2023 at 7:32 PM
Twitter suggested I might like Guy Fieri, so here I am.
When your friend has you watch an eight minute long video and you never look at them the same again.
July 30, 2023 at 7:25 PM
When your friend has you watch an eight minute long video and you never look at them the same again.
Memory foam matresses are a hoax. I let mine sit in a bowl of water all night..nothing.
July 30, 2023 at 7:18 PM
Memory foam matresses are a hoax. I let mine sit in a bowl of water all night..nothing.
For $5.99 you can have unlimited access to all the concerts I've recorded on my phone from the back row.
July 30, 2023 at 7:15 PM
For $5.99 you can have unlimited access to all the concerts I've recorded on my phone from the back row.
For more content follow me on X.
July 30, 2023 at 7:00 PM
For more content follow me on X.