This is all due to the Mandela Effect… or something eerily similar.

It’s only the stage directions, I know, but ya gotta plant your wordplay trees wherever you can find purchase!

I only take medications that have a memorable jingle.

Next time you are frustrated with a friend, get all huffy, and in the poshest voice you can muster say, “Why you cumbersome florentine!” (*optional: throw a handkerchief to the floor, exeunt with flourish).

You are welcome.

‘Ersatz Haderach’

Will be the name of my upcoming ‘Improvised Dune’ stage show.

When I attempt an interpersonal exchange in real life I will normally create a fictional character configured to act on my behalf in that specific situation; at that point I let that character take the reins for as long as no one notices.

You know… like everyone does… right? …right?!

I tried this once before with no luck… but what have we got to lose…

COMPUTER!
END PROGRAM!

Damn it. Still this.

“…and just like when I woke up during my colonoscopy, I was surprised to find out I had it in me.”

New studies have shown that unfortunately, just like Goggle Glasses, the voluntary purchase of Amajon Ecco Frames does indeed indicate that you are an asshole.

“No matter what we tried, the suspect was like a gyroscopic server at a vegan restaurant, it didn’t look like they were ever gonna spill the beans.”

Stanley Tucci has finally given in and renamed all of his previous and upcoming Italian food travel shows to: “(gasp) You’ve Never Beeeen?!”

I went to a buffet restaurant that exists throughout the multiverse called ‘EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL YOU CAN EAT’. Honestly, I could take it or leave it.

“…but like a drunk tambourine player in the bathroom, I would not be going quietly.”

Note to self: Don’t workshop bits during group therapy.

This is me (see attached photo) - just to lay the groundwork.

(I have no idea what “groundwork” is. I assume I has something to do with perennials or cemeteries; either way, apt.)