I’ve just started drafting, only about 10 pages in. I guess what I’m looking for is an alpha reader, someone to bounce ideas off of and keep me moving forward while I do the same for them. If you’re still interested, great! But if that’s bot what you’re looking for, no problem.

Sample text:

Thank you for sharing!

Thank you!

The danger is that the duchess will also steal Vreta’s memories, taking her identity that way.

Mind magic is not exactly illegal, it is not officially acknowledged to exist.

I agree restructuring could help, this is a good start

I agree, it’s just figuring out how to do it elegantly that’s the problem. As is the difficulty with pitches.

Yeah, I think adding the word “own” might help? “Vreta must reveal her own deepest secret—her mind magic.”

Vreta has the mind magic and is trying to save the girl. (The duchess has mind magic too but I am referring to Vreta in the pitch)

Thank you! I wonder if it would help if I replaced the word “girl” with “child”?

It’s Vreta. Thank you for the feedback, I will see if I can make that more clear.

Yes

I don’t know that you need to go all the way back to the drawing board to make it more personal? You could start with something like “Due to their psychic abilities, So-and-so was trained as an assassin against their will…”

I’m having trouble boiling her motivations down into something that will fit into the pitch. If she didn’t save the girl, she wouldn’t be true to herself, she feels that since she has the mind magic it’s her duty to use it for good. And the girl is also her love interest’s sister.

I like this concept but I wish that I got something more personal. This feels too broad and distant to me—I want to know a bit more about your main character(s) and how the stakes affect them personally.

I mean, on a meta level, wealth and privilege? But on a personal level, well, that’s something you’d have to read and find out…