I couldn’t put my finger on what it was but that’s it. Oh my god I’m so sick of it.

And we’re not even allowed to carry pepper spray here. No protection at all. And the police aren’t a preemptive service, they aren’t gonna help. There is literally no escape from this deep rot that runs through the whole world. And if you are in a minority it’s even worse. There’s no escape.

You always think “it could never happen to me” and assume it only happens to women who are poor or they’re alcoholics or they do drugs or something. But seeing it now from the other side. It is in every household. It is in tv shows. It is in movies. It is in our laws.

I follow so many educational pages and share the information and the resources and the experiences but I know how it goes, you just scroll on by. Because I’m sure there were posts like that being shared before I experienced abuse. And I must’ve just scrolled on by. I didn’t pay attention.

I see so many posts of women Doing The Work, getting therapy, breaking generational trauma, waking up and realising how women have been treated for centuries. But there are always men like him. Charming, handsome, invites you in, and once you’re in, you’re trapped.

His life is no different, he moves on to the next victim. There will be a trail of them, left broken and skittish by his raised fist and loud anger. And it’s fine for him. He gets to do that. It’s basically encouraged. There’s no justice. And there’s no consequences.

It’s not worth it. It was never worth it. Dating, as a woman, is not worth the risk of what you can loose. It’s been almost 3 years. And I know there are courses I could attend that can supposedly help me. But the idea of me sacrificing my time to that when he got nothing. No consequences.

Because what if someone uploads that and he sees it and I’m in the background. Then he knows my location. Or commenting on local businesses posts. A few buzz key words in Google is so easy. I don’t know if I’ll ever get that feeling of being safe and secure back ever.

The fear of them finding me on social media, finding my location, finding out about my life, finding my dating profile, I feel so exposed. I have my accounts locked down obviously but there’s always a way. I get so scared walking in town seeing tourists taking photos and use my hair to hide my face

My comfort shows:

Torchwood
Doctor Who
The Sarah Jane Adventures
Greys Anatomy
Station 19
Once Upon A Time
The X Files
Good Omens
One Tree Hill

Oh I’m such a mix 😅🙈🫶