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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · 14d

3. Booked once in the second half whilst one-nil up for Burton Albion for taking eight minutes to tie my boot lace, then shown a second yellow after asking the fourth official to help me fill in a tax return on the halfway line to properly “slow things down.”

a referee wearing a green shirt with the word fifa on it .

ALT: a referee wearing a green shirt with the word fifa on it .

media.tenor.com

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · 14d

2. Sent off playing for Leyton Orient for “unsporting behaviour” after insisting on playing the second half under one of those golfing umbrella hats. Because it was drizzling and I’d just had my barnet done.

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · 14d

I have sympathy for Ekitike.
Here are three of my sendings off when I should have known better:
🧵
1. Scoring a tap-in for Stockport County and then attempting to celebrate by re-enacting the entire opening credits of Baywatch across the length of the pitch.

a silhouette of a man standing on a beach with the word bay in the foreground

ALT: a silhouette of a man standing on a beach with the word bay in the foreground

media.tenor.com

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · 27d

I once got sent off for time-wasting while taking a throw-in. The ball boy hadn't given me the ball back yet. First, and I think ONLY, red card for waiting politely.

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · 29d

Nuno gave hope and the whiff of success to Nottingham Forest and no true fan wants that. What they crave is finishing 17th whilst having a 'bloody good bloke' in charge and that's exactly what Ange will deliver. Best of luck to them. Great club management.

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · Sep 8

England beating Andorra 2-0 is like turning up late to a five-a-side and still managing to nutmeg your own cousin. Job done, but nobody’s clapping. Not sure where Serbia is, it's somewhere down the back of Europe's sofa- but be warned, they do have actual footballers.

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · Sep 5

Transfer Deadline Day’s gone mad — Nadine Dorries completes shock move to Reform on a free. Meanwhile, Angela Rayner thought she'd scored a housing winner only to have it chalked off for offside in the Stamp Duty box. And then something about Nigel Farage and football.

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · Sep 1

Hey Ross, thanks for asking, we'd love to do another season of Sports Horn and are currently talking with various sponsors about injecting some cash into it. It's close to a full time job and whilst we love doing it, it currently earns us between £25 and £100 a month which is not viable.

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · Aug 27

Bloody Colin. He wouldn't last three minutes in the ring with my mate Steve Bould.

The Exploding Heads @explodingheads.bsky.social · Aug 27

"I painted a St George's Cross on a roundabout. What have YOU done for this country?"

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · Aug 20

Wrexham are actually owned by a couple of Hollywood actors. They should flag that up more. . .

The Exploding Heads @explodingheads.bsky.social · Aug 19

The media every time Wrexham play

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · Aug 15

The Premier League is back!
Liverpool will concede.
Bournemouth are the wasps in the picnic basket of football.
Plus, why I hate Rod f@$%ing Wallace. . .

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · Aug 6

My pick for this coming season's Dark Horses: Manchester United.

The Exploding Heads @explodingheads.bsky.social · Aug 6

Man United are dark horses this year.

All they need to do is fix the defence, sort out the midfield, learn how to score goals again, adopt a coherent tactical system and completely overhaul the dressing room mentality, according to Ian @fiveankles.bsky.social

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · Jul 18

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · Jun 20

Ian's take on Juventus being in the Oval Office as President Trump talks about the possibility of bombing Iran.

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · May 23

It needs to be that big because everything I say into it is big and important and massive.

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · May 23

Was my absolute pleasure to appear on this week's NonCensored podast and explain all about what Gary Lineker has been doing when he's been doing the things he should not have been doing.

Lead Mojo @leadmojo.bsky.social · May 22

On tomorrow’s NonCensored, former professional footballer turned current pundit Ian Fiveankles weighs in on Gary Linekergate

Watch now on our Patreon, or subscribe now to get it first thing tomorrow

Patreon.com/NonCensored
Podfollow.com/NonCensored

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · May 21

Man Utd probably need more than hope, nostalgia and Bruno Fernandes if they’ve going to get anything from this game.

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · May 21

Second half begins.
United look like scolded kittens.
Spurs looking like someone’s offered them a biscuit and they’re trying to decide if it’s worth the calories.

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · May 21

Spurs score the kind of goal the game deserved.
A hopeful punt into the box, Luke Shaw bats it with his arm, Johnson waggles a foot at it (and misses) and the ball thinks “fuck this, I’m bored, I’m going to try hiding just beyond the goal line”.
Scenes.

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · May 21

Something quite insane thinking about how one of these teams will be playing the likes of Bayern Munich and Real Madrid next season.

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · May 21

Both sides showing strong ability to not-quite-be-in-control of anything.
Exciting though.

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · May 21

Would be interested to see the xG stats here. Man Utd all over it so far.

fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · May 21

EVERYTHING to play for. Here we go.
16th v 17th for a place in the Champions League.
Absolute glorious nonsense.

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · May 21

Ange Postecoglu is notably NOT wearing his Coko the Clown outfit and I think that is a measure of the man. Sending a strong message to his doubters.

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fiveankles.bsky.social @fiveankles.bsky.social · May 20

An important announcement ahead of the Europa League Final. . .

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