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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · May 23

getting hit by a city bus probably feels like receiving a warm hug from a friend

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · May 23

It’s all about dying from preventable causes

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · May 3

[whistling nonchalantly, looks down at the blade sticking out of my stomach] oh right, I’ve been run through

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · May 3

it’s all about listening to your body, the immense pain in the area surrounding my left eye is my body’s way of telling me that my eye is bad and needs to be removed immediately

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Apr 25

Posting is like showing a little shoulder and batting your eyes, letting out a "yoo-hoo" and dropping your handkerchief

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Apr 25

My career as a slippery Wild West outlaw was tragically cut short after being shot to death by every sheriff from every county all at once

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Apr 24

Asking a bug to explain itself then laughing while it struggles to produce a single word

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Apr 24

Tossing a quarter to a squirrel, finger guns at a stray cat, putting my jacket over a puddle for a rat, dapping up a cockroach

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Apr 22

hey bro you left your intoxicatingly sweet scent at my apartment.. and it's fading...

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Apr 22

The bus driver is making me ride up front with him, something about wanting "to savor every moment of our time together".. he's talking about how he can go fast if he wants to but isn't afraid to take it slow

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Apr 21

My homunculus was killed during his Uber Eats shift. [looks over at a holstered gun lying on a table and sighs] the one day he forgets his service weapon..

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Apr 21

People keep trying to kidnap my homunculus when he delivers their Uber Eats orders. They try to lure him inside, offering candy or power. Poor little guy, he’s quite shaken, he didn’t know the world was this malicious

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Apr 21

I am bursting at the seams with gray paste

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Apr 21

If I was sucked into a jet engine they wouldn’t turn around and land for maintenance, they would just keep going. The pilots would say “wow we must have hit a fly or something extremely small and insignificant” The flight attendants would pass out refreshments

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Apr 21

as you wish

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Apr 21

I keep an alien frozen in my garage freezer and thaw him out when guests come over so we can play the game "catch the alien before he tells his alien superiors to blow up the planet"

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Apr 21

waheterver

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Apr 21

felt wrong to copy and paste my tweets here... these are two different accounts, two different people

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Reposted by the heart

Loathsome Shrew @shrewtape.bsky.social · Feb 13

[Congressional hearing] What does it mean to post?

(Leaning down to speak into the mic) To post is to dream. That is my belief.

[An aide holds up a tweet printed on cardboard] And how often to you dream of "getting sucked off by the great beyond?"

(Sweating) Um... Well... That's out of context...

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Feb 12

I don't think I'm dying but I've been wrong before

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Feb 12

she left me for a 55 gallon steel drum of gasoline. a damn 55 gallon steel drum of gasoline, hoss.

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Feb 12

giving you my diseased heart as an act of biological terrorism

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Feb 12

me: why I oughta… [looks down, dejected] …stand up for myself. one day. maybe tomorrow

my wife: [finishing up strapping me to a giant rocket] You’re going to go sooo high 😃

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Reposted by the heart

wargen @funeralpig.bsky.social · Jan 29

mfw i have to shoot another fucked up mutant that escaped from my lab

agonized cowgirl shooting gun without looking, really looks like she's going through some complex emotions including grief and pain

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the heart @fredward3948576.bsky.social · Jan 29

I have my own doomsday clock but I’m not telling anyone what time it is

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