This is why i generally don't msg people or use socmeds though im literally so illiterate i feel actually horrible

No wonder nobody sees me i was genuinely added to an AI blacklist

It's getting more and more difficult to write music and draw, and I feel like I owe everyone an explanation. But, these explanations feel like excuses. So, does it really matter? I don't know.

I generally don't like to post about this stuff because it's very personal and I'm aware that my audience can be affected by my perception of things, however I feel I should express this for once.

It's frustrating, and unfortunately I know I'll never be what I want to be. I'm not a pop musician. I'm not a rock musician or a band. I'm an indie producer who works alone. All the things I want to be, want to do? They're just not in the cards for me at present. I'll keep trying, though.

I can't write popular music, only my own specific genre I've been developing for the past 5 years. That burns me out too—because when I try to write songs the way I imagine them, something completely different comes out that sounds like actual garbage.

my disabilities and lack of experience. I don't have time, and I don't have money, so everything I do ends up rushed in some way. I'm always watching production videos, yet I still somehow can't write edm. I can't write pop. I barely managed to make stuff similar to rock recently.

And yet, all that happened is I burned myself out. I got so stressed that I thought about quitting a few times. Mind you, this was entirely self-imposed. I'm not part of an agency or group. It's just me, a 1-man-show fighting to be as good as producers with 10+ years of experience despite

So I kept working as hard as I could. I NEEDED to be good enough. I NEEDED to be popular. I NEEDED desperately to be the best version of me I can be so everyone would like me, so I was palatable, and maybe if I spilled my emotions out everywhere through my songs, maybe I'd get that fame I so craved.

I was obsessed with the idea that I had to grow popularity so I could be noticed by my favorite producers, which was way more parasocial than I'd like to admit. I never interacted with my faves outside of liking their posts or videos, but the way the need to work with them boiled... it was bad.

So my audience would be fed. I knew it was bold, but I swore I could do it. I thought I could be as good as my favorite producers and that maybe, MAYBE, someone would notice me, that maybe I'd get to work with GHOST, Vane, RIP, Circus, yknow, the big guys, someday.

A lot of the burnout is owed to the depression caused by my pregnancy in 2023, but it's also owed to the fact that I consistently put one month deadlines on my work and rushed to get videos out within 2 or 3 days of finishing the song. I wanted to do what some prods did—release as often as monthly

When I first started posting my songs in late 2021-early 2022, I didn't realize I would burn myself out within two years. I didn't recognize I would get to where I felt like I *need* to release something as soon as I'm done with it.