It's not an easy thing to shift your mind too, don't beat yourself up. Shits dystopian as fuck. I would also like to add that most indoor ranges will let you try things before you buy, and have safety classes please take advantage of them. For this climate I'd recommend a handgun easier to carry.

Glock 42 was my first gun, its good for self defense. It's a smaller handgun. Doesn't have too much recoil so it shouldn't be too scary for a first time shooting. They're also very easy to take apart and maintain. It's also an older model so it's not as expensive as it used to be. Wear ear & eye PPE