Middle Aged Girl Dad
@garroch.bsky.social
Proud father of the Oldest (8), the Middle
(6), and the Youngest (3). Couldn't do it without the Wife. Also shares a home with the Dog, the Cat, and the Bunny.
(6), and the Youngest (3). Couldn't do it without the Wife. Also shares a home with the Dog, the Cat, and the Bunny.
Out shopping for makeup with whole family.
Wife is trying new foundations.
Wife: How do I look? Is it too pale?
Me: I'm literally the least qualified person in this room to answer that.
Wife (to Oldest): What do you think?
Oldest: You look like Voldemort.
Wife is trying new foundations.
Wife: How do I look? Is it too pale?
Me: I'm literally the least qualified person in this room to answer that.
Wife (to Oldest): What do you think?
Oldest: You look like Voldemort.
February 8, 2025 at 7:08 PM
Out shopping for makeup with whole family.
Wife is trying new foundations.
Wife: How do I look? Is it too pale?
Me: I'm literally the least qualified person in this room to answer that.
Wife (to Oldest): What do you think?
Oldest: You look like Voldemort.
Wife is trying new foundations.
Wife: How do I look? Is it too pale?
Me: I'm literally the least qualified person in this room to answer that.
Wife (to Oldest): What do you think?
Oldest: You look like Voldemort.
The Bunny yawned last night and it was so cute I think I might have diabetes.
Or that's just the 5th Avenue bars.
Or that's just the 5th Avenue bars.
January 22, 2025 at 6:43 PM
The Bunny yawned last night and it was so cute I think I might have diabetes.
Or that's just the 5th Avenue bars.
Or that's just the 5th Avenue bars.
A year ago I started waking up oldest by blasting "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" on Alexa.
You'll never guess what my kids love to do to me on Saturday mornings now.
Touche small humans.
You'll never guess what my kids love to do to me on Saturday mornings now.
Touche small humans.
January 15, 2025 at 2:02 AM
A year ago I started waking up oldest by blasting "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" on Alexa.
You'll never guess what my kids love to do to me on Saturday mornings now.
Touche small humans.
You'll never guess what my kids love to do to me on Saturday mornings now.
Touche small humans.
Oldest has started taking showers instead of baths.
She clocked in at about 15 minutes per shower right off the bat.
I immediately melted into a puddle of Dad goo and started twitching on the floor mumbling about utility bills and not touching the thermostat.
She clocked in at about 15 minutes per shower right off the bat.
I immediately melted into a puddle of Dad goo and started twitching on the floor mumbling about utility bills and not touching the thermostat.
January 9, 2025 at 4:31 PM
Oldest has started taking showers instead of baths.
She clocked in at about 15 minutes per shower right off the bat.
I immediately melted into a puddle of Dad goo and started twitching on the floor mumbling about utility bills and not touching the thermostat.
She clocked in at about 15 minutes per shower right off the bat.
I immediately melted into a puddle of Dad goo and started twitching on the floor mumbling about utility bills and not touching the thermostat.
Wife took Oldest to doctor for a persistent cough.
Doctor: It's just a virus that's going around. No need to worry.
Wife: Whew thank goodness.
Doc: How is everything else Oldest?
Oldest: Good! But there's no food in our fridge.
Wife: Melts into puddle of wtf.
(There's plenty of food here).
Doctor: It's just a virus that's going around. No need to worry.
Wife: Whew thank goodness.
Doc: How is everything else Oldest?
Oldest: Good! But there's no food in our fridge.
Wife: Melts into puddle of wtf.
(There's plenty of food here).
January 3, 2025 at 7:49 PM
Wife took Oldest to doctor for a persistent cough.
Doctor: It's just a virus that's going around. No need to worry.
Wife: Whew thank goodness.
Doc: How is everything else Oldest?
Oldest: Good! But there's no food in our fridge.
Wife: Melts into puddle of wtf.
(There's plenty of food here).
Doctor: It's just a virus that's going around. No need to worry.
Wife: Whew thank goodness.
Doc: How is everything else Oldest?
Oldest: Good! But there's no food in our fridge.
Wife: Melts into puddle of wtf.
(There's plenty of food here).
Santa built a vanity for oldest for Christmas.
6. Hours.
It was like the final boss of Christmas assembly.
Worth it though. It's her favorite gift.
6. Hours.
It was like the final boss of Christmas assembly.
Worth it though. It's her favorite gift.
December 29, 2024 at 2:44 PM
Santa built a vanity for oldest for Christmas.
6. Hours.
It was like the final boss of Christmas assembly.
Worth it though. It's her favorite gift.
6. Hours.
It was like the final boss of Christmas assembly.
Worth it though. It's her favorite gift.
Proudly wrapped about 10 presents last night and put them under the tree, excited to not only get a head start, but to pretty up the tree as well.
I forgot I had a psychopathic Tasmanian devil 3 year old.
Rookie mistake.
I forgot I had a psychopathic Tasmanian devil 3 year old.
Rookie mistake.
December 17, 2024 at 3:45 AM
Proudly wrapped about 10 presents last night and put them under the tree, excited to not only get a head start, but to pretty up the tree as well.
I forgot I had a psychopathic Tasmanian devil 3 year old.
Rookie mistake.
I forgot I had a psychopathic Tasmanian devil 3 year old.
Rookie mistake.
Middle was out sick most of the week, and for the first time ever, (predictably) bombed her end of week spelling test.
She missed 4 of the days.
She got Wednesday correct.
How. Just how.
She missed 4 of the days.
She got Wednesday correct.
How. Just how.
December 16, 2024 at 3:21 AM
Middle was out sick most of the week, and for the first time ever, (predictably) bombed her end of week spelling test.
She missed 4 of the days.
She got Wednesday correct.
How. Just how.
She missed 4 of the days.
She got Wednesday correct.
How. Just how.
Children eating dinner at home:
Oldest: We forgot to pray.
Middle: May I please have some more milk.
Youngest: Thank you!
Children at a restaurant:
Oldest: I HAVE A NEW POOP JOKE
Middle: Crawls under table
Youngest: Uses salt shaker and twisty straw to summon an eldritch horror from outside time.
Oldest: We forgot to pray.
Middle: May I please have some more milk.
Youngest: Thank you!
Children at a restaurant:
Oldest: I HAVE A NEW POOP JOKE
Middle: Crawls under table
Youngest: Uses salt shaker and twisty straw to summon an eldritch horror from outside time.
December 12, 2024 at 4:22 AM
Children eating dinner at home:
Oldest: We forgot to pray.
Middle: May I please have some more milk.
Youngest: Thank you!
Children at a restaurant:
Oldest: I HAVE A NEW POOP JOKE
Middle: Crawls under table
Youngest: Uses salt shaker and twisty straw to summon an eldritch horror from outside time.
Oldest: We forgot to pray.
Middle: May I please have some more milk.
Youngest: Thank you!
Children at a restaurant:
Oldest: I HAVE A NEW POOP JOKE
Middle: Crawls under table
Youngest: Uses salt shaker and twisty straw to summon an eldritch horror from outside time.
Middle just told me that "Mom makes better chicken soup".
It's Campbell's. It's always Campbell's.
Does anyone want a free child?
It's Campbell's. It's always Campbell's.
Does anyone want a free child?
December 9, 2024 at 11:28 PM
Middle just told me that "Mom makes better chicken soup".
It's Campbell's. It's always Campbell's.
Does anyone want a free child?
It's Campbell's. It's always Campbell's.
Does anyone want a free child?
3 months of practice, $500 in shoes and leotards and fees, 2 bouquets of flowers, 2 gallons of makeup and glitter, and 1 3 hour afternoon show later...
and the 6 minutes of ballet onstage at the Nutcracker is complete.
I don't understand this activity. Send help.
and the 6 minutes of ballet onstage at the Nutcracker is complete.
I don't understand this activity. Send help.
December 9, 2024 at 2:39 PM
3 months of practice, $500 in shoes and leotards and fees, 2 bouquets of flowers, 2 gallons of makeup and glitter, and 1 3 hour afternoon show later...
and the 6 minutes of ballet onstage at the Nutcracker is complete.
I don't understand this activity. Send help.
and the 6 minutes of ballet onstage at the Nutcracker is complete.
I don't understand this activity. Send help.
Me: Candy today is terrible. You kids don't know what you're missing.
Oldest: Ok Dad.
Me: Here let me see that. I'm telling you it'll be gross.
Me: *Steals Nerds Gummy*
Me: ....
....
*sheds tear at the beauty of the depth of human ingenuity and the forward march of progress*
Oldest: Ok Dad.
Me: Here let me see that. I'm telling you it'll be gross.
Me: *Steals Nerds Gummy*
Me: ....
....
*sheds tear at the beauty of the depth of human ingenuity and the forward march of progress*
December 8, 2024 at 2:03 AM
Me: Candy today is terrible. You kids don't know what you're missing.
Oldest: Ok Dad.
Me: Here let me see that. I'm telling you it'll be gross.
Me: *Steals Nerds Gummy*
Me: ....
....
*sheds tear at the beauty of the depth of human ingenuity and the forward march of progress*
Oldest: Ok Dad.
Me: Here let me see that. I'm telling you it'll be gross.
Me: *Steals Nerds Gummy*
Me: ....
....
*sheds tear at the beauty of the depth of human ingenuity and the forward march of progress*
Kids have a snow day today.
The glare that Wife gave me as I left for work this morning could have curdled milk.
Perhaps the whistling was a bit much...
The glare that Wife gave me as I left for work this morning could have curdled milk.
Perhaps the whistling was a bit much...
December 5, 2024 at 2:04 PM
Kids have a snow day today.
The glare that Wife gave me as I left for work this morning could have curdled milk.
Perhaps the whistling was a bit much...
The glare that Wife gave me as I left for work this morning could have curdled milk.
Perhaps the whistling was a bit much...
Reviewing Santa Wishlists:
Oldest: A new vanity, a pink area rug, a canopy bed, a new puppy, and a Nintendo game
Middle: A drone, a robot, a new guitar, markers, also a canopy bed, and a new bike.
Youngest: A popsicle.
Oldest: A new vanity, a pink area rug, a canopy bed, a new puppy, and a Nintendo game
Middle: A drone, a robot, a new guitar, markers, also a canopy bed, and a new bike.
Youngest: A popsicle.
December 4, 2024 at 2:16 PM
Reviewing Santa Wishlists:
Oldest: A new vanity, a pink area rug, a canopy bed, a new puppy, and a Nintendo game
Middle: A drone, a robot, a new guitar, markers, also a canopy bed, and a new bike.
Youngest: A popsicle.
Oldest: A new vanity, a pink area rug, a canopy bed, a new puppy, and a Nintendo game
Middle: A drone, a robot, a new guitar, markers, also a canopy bed, and a new bike.
Youngest: A popsicle.
Middle is not happy that she has her first ever blister on her finger from practicing guitar the past couple of weeks.
The betrayal was real when she realized her parents were actually stoked about it.
The betrayal was real when she realized her parents were actually stoked about it.
December 4, 2024 at 1:55 AM
Middle is not happy that she has her first ever blister on her finger from practicing guitar the past couple of weeks.
The betrayal was real when she realized her parents were actually stoked about it.
The betrayal was real when she realized her parents were actually stoked about it.
Bella, our Elf on the Shelf, has already received 4 barbie dresses, a custom bespoke skirt, and a cookie. She's been here two days.
Let it be said that my children are not above bribery.
Let it be said that my children are not above bribery.
December 1, 2024 at 3:14 AM
Bella, our Elf on the Shelf, has already received 4 barbie dresses, a custom bespoke skirt, and a cookie. She's been here two days.
Let it be said that my children are not above bribery.
Let it be said that my children are not above bribery.
Oldest has had the stomach bug, and I'm giving her a bath because... reasons.
Me: Listen Oldest, it's time to have The Talk. The one only your dad can have with you.
Oldest (wide eyed): Oh no. What is The Talk?
Me: So when you're sick like this... Never trust a fart.
Me: Listen Oldest, it's time to have The Talk. The one only your dad can have with you.
Oldest (wide eyed): Oh no. What is The Talk?
Me: So when you're sick like this... Never trust a fart.
November 26, 2024 at 2:01 PM
Oldest has had the stomach bug, and I'm giving her a bath because... reasons.
Me: Listen Oldest, it's time to have The Talk. The one only your dad can have with you.
Oldest (wide eyed): Oh no. What is The Talk?
Me: So when you're sick like this... Never trust a fart.
Me: Listen Oldest, it's time to have The Talk. The one only your dad can have with you.
Oldest (wide eyed): Oh no. What is The Talk?
Me: So when you're sick like this... Never trust a fart.
Oldest has had fever and stomach pain for days. Finally feeling better.
Me: I'm glad we got through this. That was a bad one.
Wife: Seriously. I was worried that was going to bleed into Thanksgiving.
Me: Well she hasn't needed Ibuprofen in a day so we should be good.
Youngest: Dad I feel yucky.
Me: I'm glad we got through this. That was a bad one.
Wife: Seriously. I was worried that was going to bleed into Thanksgiving.
Me: Well she hasn't needed Ibuprofen in a day so we should be good.
Youngest: Dad I feel yucky.
November 26, 2024 at 4:30 AM
Oldest has had fever and stomach pain for days. Finally feeling better.
Me: I'm glad we got through this. That was a bad one.
Wife: Seriously. I was worried that was going to bleed into Thanksgiving.
Me: Well she hasn't needed Ibuprofen in a day so we should be good.
Youngest: Dad I feel yucky.
Me: I'm glad we got through this. That was a bad one.
Wife: Seriously. I was worried that was going to bleed into Thanksgiving.
Me: Well she hasn't needed Ibuprofen in a day so we should be good.
Youngest: Dad I feel yucky.
Oldest and Youngest are playing in giant cardboard boxes we got from grandma's house.
Not going to lie I'm jealous they can fit in them.
Stupid adult body.
Not going to lie I'm jealous they can fit in them.
Stupid adult body.
November 24, 2024 at 8:51 PM
Oldest and Youngest are playing in giant cardboard boxes we got from grandma's house.
Not going to lie I'm jealous they can fit in them.
Stupid adult body.
Not going to lie I'm jealous they can fit in them.
Stupid adult body.
Parent Teacher conferences:
Teacher: Middle is just amazing. She's the nicest, sweetest girl in class, and just a pleasure to have here. Just like her sister oldest. Your girls are a joy.
I look behind her to see Youngest growling while pulling papers out of her desk.
Me: Yeah just wait 3 years.
Teacher: Middle is just amazing. She's the nicest, sweetest girl in class, and just a pleasure to have here. Just like her sister oldest. Your girls are a joy.
I look behind her to see Youngest growling while pulling papers out of her desk.
Me: Yeah just wait 3 years.
November 21, 2024 at 3:59 PM
Parent Teacher conferences:
Teacher: Middle is just amazing. She's the nicest, sweetest girl in class, and just a pleasure to have here. Just like her sister oldest. Your girls are a joy.
I look behind her to see Youngest growling while pulling papers out of her desk.
Me: Yeah just wait 3 years.
Teacher: Middle is just amazing. She's the nicest, sweetest girl in class, and just a pleasure to have here. Just like her sister oldest. Your girls are a joy.
I look behind her to see Youngest growling while pulling papers out of her desk.
Me: Yeah just wait 3 years.
I hope that the person who designed the "hole" for Charley Horse in Operation steps on a Lego every day for a year.
November 21, 2024 at 1:22 AM
I hope that the person who designed the "hole" for Charley Horse in Operation steps on a Lego every day for a year.
The Wife calls me at work.
Wife: The Oldest has been repeating what I say for 20 minutes.
Oldest (in background): The Oldest has been repeating what I say for 20 minutes.
Wife: Please get her to stop.
Oldest (in bg): Please get her to stop.
Me: Jesus Christ
Oldest (in bg): Jesus Christ
Wife: The Oldest has been repeating what I say for 20 minutes.
Oldest (in background): The Oldest has been repeating what I say for 20 minutes.
Wife: Please get her to stop.
Oldest (in bg): Please get her to stop.
Me: Jesus Christ
Oldest (in bg): Jesus Christ
November 20, 2024 at 2:57 PM
The Wife calls me at work.
Wife: The Oldest has been repeating what I say for 20 minutes.
Oldest (in background): The Oldest has been repeating what I say for 20 minutes.
Wife: Please get her to stop.
Oldest (in bg): Please get her to stop.
Me: Jesus Christ
Oldest (in bg): Jesus Christ
Wife: The Oldest has been repeating what I say for 20 minutes.
Oldest (in background): The Oldest has been repeating what I say for 20 minutes.
Wife: Please get her to stop.
Oldest (in bg): Please get her to stop.
Me: Jesus Christ
Oldest (in bg): Jesus Christ