I guess I have lost (my attention is not large enough to contain the context) so the rest of the project of self sits somewhere murky and obscured, hidden by an angle of a table.

the parts are easier to look at, I find, rubbing each lustrous bead, natural, pearly and irregular. these accumulations of sarira.

I’ve collected a new bad habit this year of labour: of packing my schedule full of activities so that when I can allow a din to occupy what remains of that empty time. (Am I afraid of thinking alone? I thwack back a projectile of sound, returning me with echoes, a feeling decayed into parts)

luckily for me, even in moments of doubt now I drift towards tall goal posts with fluttering flags in the distance. there is this raft of previously conceived and committed decisions, and that constantly running paddle wheel, shovelling water out of the way simplistically.

anyone can do it, but the fact of the matter is that they won’t. and I will not be a coward anymore, knowing I wield this capacity to ‘spill out my life’… i will not live moderately, I don’t want to.

ok honestly why on earth is everyone literally moving to bsky. I mean the ui is much better from when I left, but it's making me sad - does this mean I need to rebuild networks. im so lazy

There is no confession I could not make.

My self is so fractured by my lies.

I enjoy suffering, I enjoy putting people through the trials of my wilfulness, i enjoy the opportunity when it comes. I enjoy stringing people along into fantasy lives, I enjoy lying, i enjoy being wicked. I enjoy it when I get to be. When I can.

Shamelessly lying in your arms, shamelessly letting myself be eaten by you, shamelessly with your thumb up my sex. Shamelessly called by my named, shamelessly loved. Shamelessly told my story like it mattered.

Purity is the result of letting too many actions remain a hypothetical. If you never hurt a single person how can you say you’ve lived.

I don’t do things i dislike. I never have. So maybe i have to admit i enjoy the taste of being selfish and cruel. Then that makes me a bad person. The more i indulged in it the more my appetite grew. It became like an experiment, how much further could i push it

Everything i have i owe to the kindness of others. All my memories in love happened because someone let themselves love me. I squander away my gifts.

Shamelessly living a life as though consequences don’t exist. What i learnt from “everything heals” is “everyone heals”. Forgiveness happens automatically when you forget. Everyone forgets.

oh yeah i guess the banality of it is annoying. they should have been like "yo look at your top purchase of the year" or "look at your most expensive but least used rolling subscription" that would be pretty useful but would require more data

sorry my desires are toxic but i conduct myself in a chaste, pious and principled way. that's what counts

can someone fly over and let me enjoy them for approx 3 days