I didn't even realize I wasn't already subbed to you. Just fixed that! Let's go!!!!

But I'm not in a good place right now, and I intended on only trying to eat healthier for just a couple of days so that this wouldn't happen, and just because I've especially been eating like shit lately. Buuuuuuut I'm slipping into the behavior patterns, and I'm thinking about it way too much...

It's pervasive. It takes over everything. It stresses me out to the point where I get so burnt out and exhausted from how much it controls me that I just stop caring about trying to have healthier habits and start eating like shit again just to make the constant thinking about it stop.

I obsessively check calories. I get anxious if that information isn't available. I will make myself go out of my way to walk extra distances or take the stairs, even when I'm exhausted. I obsess over my reflection (and I hate looking at myself for too long) and if my appearance has changed.

For clarity, whenever I've tried to lose weight or just even get into healthier eating and physical habits, that becomes ALL I think about. Even when I'm thinking about other things, or going about my business, that is always on my mind. ALWAYS. And it controls so much of my behaviors.

My friend's aunt. I used to bring her dark chocolate sometimes when I'd visit. I still cry in the candy aisle sometimes if I think about it for too long.

And yet, my father? My only remaining parent? I haven't cried once. And I find that so fucking devastating.

When my Mom passed, I felt like my life was over. If not for a couple of people in my life, I don't know if I would have gotten through that.

When my uncle passed, my knees literally buckled from how hard I sobbed. I still can't talk about him for too long without beginning to cry...

fixed it without the image jumpscare to make this accessible (for people who don't want dictator don reblogged) also added alt text.

it's bloody awful.

I'm deceased 🤣