i almost felt like dropping this account for the "exchange" of doing something better for next year.

but that means i gave up, didnt i?

i made a promise to myself that i'll keep, and i'll be strong about it.

either way, im gonna have lower tolerance for drama, or inner turmoil, or me feeling like something's gonna start.

it shouldn't always be like that. it's all the matter of literally doing something about it than letting it keep happening.

not everyone is ready or willing to talk to someone they hardly know about other than what i show. there's an actual give and take. than just doing for the sake of it, without feeling anything else, or doing it without giving back.

i've gotten frustrated like this endlessly. and have come to "that point" a lot where i say "my DM's are open" w/o gettin' it, but i really do have to understand when ppl can feel and act more willingly, than always expect them to.

i have to accept sometimes its the matter of themselves too.

i was given a small journal on christmas, that i feel is gonna get filled up. so i'll work towards that.

i wanna feel more approachable... everywhere ive shown and posted on feels like trash.

i've said a lot. acting is more than saying whatever. ive been doing a lot of whatever.

i honestly wanted to add more to this, but i dont think i should entirely. i felt like i would write some type of longer rant or vent thing like i always do.

the last thing i wrote, on my bday, got me real anxious for letting it out, despite saying what i wanted to say. so.. this should be shorter.

im grace howard giving spike a lobotomy.

grace since i was assigned that character when getting into zenless.

spike since apparently thats my mario party/kart spirit animal and my entire group makes fun of me for that lol

rant over... that was 10 years or so of just holding that back. i never, in my entire career have had to finally break and say it DIRECTLy, but i'd rather say THAT than quietly accept nothing will change... im done with that weak ass bitch of gd from yesterday.

love yourself. and your true friends.

i don't give a shit if ppl have blocked me for their sake, or heard from a friend, or friend of a friend.

just know there are multiple sides of a story, and if you only heard it from one, you will never get a full picture if anything remotely wants to be rekindled, it starts from somewhere.

i am going to either MUTE, BLOCK, UNFOLLOW, or ALL depending on how i realistically feel about someone, from now on

IF YOU ARE ASSOCIATED WITH ANYONE WHO HAS ALREADY BLOCKED ME, i don't give two shits what you say behind my back. im not that spiteful to do it back. im right here. say it to my face.

my true friends don't hold me back. they set me forward. they DON'T MAKE THEIR PROBLEMS MINE. we have fun. we laugh. we let ourselves be free.

we say NO to bullshit, shit that drags, that makes us feel like the world is suffering, and if we have to... FACE IT HEAD ON before we can enjoy ourselves.

i'd rather spend time w/ those i cherish, the one person i chose, those that understand what i've been through, the L's i took, and the encouragement to find and look forward to BETTER THINGS.

those are my true friends.

if i dont do as i promise starting today, im setting myself up w/ double standards.

"yes i'll allow myself to be with this person. EVEN if they have wrong opinions or keep ruining the vibe."

like dude, i have to stop being so passive, and actually CALL OUT BULLSHIT. just genuine shit that irks me.

it's like setting sights on one patch of land, doing everything to care for it, using the SAME tools, SAME method, NOT exploring ANY OTHER OPTION, and having NOTHING growing out of that spot.

then DENYING the fact that NOTHING is growing. and NOT ACCEPTING any other solutions.

i have to get a grip.

cuz i want to break that stupid cycle. GET A HOLD of my life instead of locking onto one or few people that i thought would continue to care.

if i don't, i get screwed over for feeling gullible.
i feel GUILT, and i get nothing out of that deal of that so called "friendship".

i recall making content around this fact. cycling between feeling hopeless, then sad, angry, to having a small sign, then falling to despair again. repeat.

the one step, one CRUCIAL step to cementing a solid friendship is to be there for them IN A MEANINGFUL WAY, and it was commonly was skipped.