it's just frustrating that despite all the pushback against censorship, nothing really has changed, and at any given moment one of the people you really respect could reveal that they would cut you out of their life if they knew just one more thing about you

because the reality is that if you talk to enough CSA survivors you'll find that most of them will tell you it doesn't fucking matter what you think about in your spare time. nobody worth listening to cares what you read on AO3 regardless of whether it's to cope with something or not.

it's a very big number. it has to be for P-OCD to even be a thing. but i would argue it's only that big because the alternative to "it's just that" is socially unthinkable. any ethical dilemma is secondary to (and likely the result of) cultural norms.

as an example: do you know how many people i've seen struggling because they can't prove to themselves beyond a doubt that their interest in anime, enjoyment of coming-of-age media, participation in ageplay, the fact they have a headmate who's a little, or some combination of those is "just that"?

i'm a sister. little to some, big to others. quiet and gentle and kind. i'll freeze up if you ask me what i want. i'll cry if you bite me too hard. if i trust you, i might go nonverbal and cling onto you. but during the moments when i love you most? i might be thinking about your corpse.

for that brief moment, you would swear i want nothing more than to kill you. and that's my secret - i do. i wouldn't, of course, even if you asked, even if it was legal. after all, someone has to keep the tool in good condition.

i never got used to the feeling of pain, but i did get used to being used. so if i care about you, and you want a tool, i'll be one, and i'll get good at it. until one day you look into my eyes and can no longer recognize the person staring back - someone who likes hurting you, who likes control.

i'm going to be looking at you fondly while imagining a knife sticking out of your neck. it's a compliment, really. the last thing i want to do is hurt anyone - i hate it. can't stand it. but if you ask me to bite you, hit you? if that's what intimacy is to you? i'll learn how. i have before.

"The Nereids symbolized everything that is beautiful and kind about the sea."

i read + reread every argument i could find to convince myself that it was wrong. none of them made sense. so yeah. i don't see the same lines as everyone else, and i'm tired of playing along. i'm not into anything you'll see here because it's taboo. i'm into it because it's cathartic or it's real.

i tried ignoring it for a very long time, but when you and your sibling are inseparable growing up, you can't shut them or those feelings out without shutting out a part of yourself, too. it's difficult to tell how much it impacted us, but it's obvious why we like the kink. back then, too.