i think i just identified a trigger... which means i will have to do something about it. something i didnt want to do, but alas... i cant keep going like thid

here it is again

not to sound like dex but yk i do feel like an onlooker in life sometimes. maybe most of the times even. ofc im not gonna get all edgy like dex but its like i walk through life peeking through windows. i see what's happening. i know the people, the faces, the voices, the topics

ive had this nagging thought all day. the thought that probably no one in my family actually likes me. sure, they love me, because im family. but as a person, i dont think im particularly like

utter failure

the horrors, they persist. i need to get my shit together, but when have i ever been good at fighting back. all my life i just let it swallow me for a while and then i come out

pattern recognition is a skill but only if you act against the patterns sigh

stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

the isolation is so real sometimes. i wonder why i never do well in group settings. its been like that for as long as i remember and i genuinely dont know why

moving has stopped me from actually thinking about it but the romance urges are gone i believe. the situationship breakup demon however is alive and well but that's a problem for future me

all this breakup stuff is making me think of my own breakups. both relationships were mostly ldr too, keyword being mostly, cause one of them started irl and became ldr (cause pandemics) and the other one i did meet eventually even if it went back to being ldr right after

The demons have been winning lately

Hmm yes yes not a good time at all despite the nails meal

Oh, the demons...

I'm afraid I'm coming to a realization I very much dislike

Feeling like a piece of trash

I'm legit so tired of this project. There are so many details that it just feels endless. It's like I'm running in circles. Even after I do something, there's still a myriad of things to do and it never ends

My morning was highly unproductive. I should be done with this oart of the fluxogram, but alas, I'm not. Can't wait to get told off again by my manager this friday