## 10 Wizards of the Hill Cantons #| Name| Description ---|---|--- 1| Magister Dobromil the Cauterizer| Specializes in magical “cleaning” of reality leaks. Wears four layers of waxed robes and insists all visitors wash their souls before entry. The air around him crackles with sterilized regret. 2| Varja of the Missing Spine| Lithe, flexible, and disturbingly serpentine. Her spinal column was traded for divinatory power. She reads the future in spilled tea, broken shoes, or bird-vomit. 3| Old Master Šefl| Once ruled a petty hilltop canton via owl-based spellcraft. Now mostly senile, though still accidentally casts spells when startled. Keeps an entire aviary of sarcastic owls. 4| Ezvérin the Theoretical| Has never cast a spell in his life. Holds seven academic posts, all self-declared. Writes constantly about imaginary schools of magic. May be the most dangerous man alive if proven right. 5| Alzběta the Rinderpest| Her spells all involve contagion, rot, and beautiful skin. Always impeccably dressed and smells like roses and fever. Keeps a cadre of plague-dabblers on retainer. 6| Seňor Kuzma of the Whispering Socket| Wears a massive bronze headpiece over a cursed third ear that receives whispers from unknown planes. Claims his left kneecap is a portal seal. Accepts payment only in antique teeth. 7| Jarka the Inverted| Lives upside-down in a gravity-shifted dome. All her spells are reversals. Speaks backwards when angry. Collects regrets in glass jars. 8| Doctor Radislav Prst| Medical thaumaturge and reluctant necromancer. Believes in “ethically recycled souls.” Offers reanimation for emotional closure. 9| Petty Thaumaturge Sima the Keen| Specializes in extremely minor magics: reheating tea, untangling strings, smoothing mustaches. Surprisingly powerful due to sheer obsessive mastery. Runs a competitive spell-dueling league for petty magicians. 10| Thrice-Woven Halyna| Exists simultaneously in three separate locations at once, usually misaligned. May respond to questions you haven’t asked yet. Appears cloaked in shimmering, shifting timelines. Collects forgotten birthdays and misplaced intentions.

#| Name| Description ---|---|--- 1| Mother Feketa| Mummified, animate matriarch who rules her tenement block from a tub of heated mud. Gives quests in exchange for gossip and scented soaps. 2| Pan Jaroslav the Blue| A melancholic duelist who fights only on Tuesdays. Claims to be 132 years old. Lives in a roofless manse. 3| Radu of the Clock-Spine| Hunchbacked watchmaker with a literal mechanical spine. Can rewind time 3 seconds—but only once a week. 4| Cousin Ondrej the Not Shark| Local loudmouth and self-proclaimed revolutionary. Knows every secret, none of them true. Smells like fish. 5| Auntie Lujza| Retired god-botherer. Still receives faint signals from long-dead deities. Collects divine offal. 6| Velko "the Slightly Transparent"| Permanently half-phased into the ether. Mostly helpful, sometimes screams with voices not his own. 7| Tatka and Patka| Siamese-twin tax assessors. One is lawful evil, the other deeply chaotic good. 8| Father Svoboda| Defrocked priest of the Sun Lord. Drinks heavily. Carries sacred honey cakes. 9| Anka the Sighing Widow| All five of her husbands died in tragic, yet somehow hilarious ways. Her tears summon minor spirits of pathos. 10| Bohumil the Devourer| Town bureaucrat with a vast appetite for paperwork. Secretly a minor demon of municipal efficiency.

#| Name| Description ---|---|--- 1| Mother Feketa| Mummified, animate matriarch who rules her tenement block from a tub of heated mud. Gives quests in exchange for gossip and scented soaps. 2| Pan Jaroslav the Blue| A melancholic duelist who fights only on Tuesdays. Claims to be 132 years old. Lives in a roofless manse. 3| Radu of the Clock-Spine| Hunchbacked watchmaker with a literal mechanical spine. Can rewind time 3 seconds—but only once a week. 4| Cousin Ondrej the Not Shark| Local loudmouth and self-proclaimed revolutionary. Knows every secret, none of them true. Smells like fish. 5| Auntie Lujza| Retired god-botherer. Still receives faint signals from long-dead deities. Collects divine offal. 6| Velko "the Slightly Transparent"| Permanently half-phased into the ether. Mostly helpful, sometimes screams with voices not his own. 7| Tatka and Patka| Siamese-twin tax assessors. One is lawful evil, the other deeply chaotic good. 8| Father Svoboda| Defrocked priest of the Sun Lord. Drinks heavily. Carries sacred honey cakes. 9| Anka the Sighing Widow| All five of her husbands died in tragic, yet somehow hilarious ways. Her tears summon minor spirits of pathos. 10| Bohumil the Devourer| Town bureaucrat with a vast appetite for paperwork. Secretly a minor demon of municipal efficiency.

** ** **** **** ** ** **Hirelings & Henchfolk** d10| Name| Role| Notes ---|---|---|--- 1| Oldrik the Rope-Whisperer| Porter| Speaks to rope as if it were alive. Demands polite treatment of all gear. 2| Sveta of the Stiff Back| Torchbearer| Painfully upright. Immune to fear effects unless slouched. 3| Jaromil the Pink| Linkboy| Wears only a specific shade of pink; insists it's a ward against “mind-grubs.” Is probably right. 4| Tóno of the Bended Knee| Devoted Squire| Offers loud and long prayers before each fight. Terrified of horses. 5| Zsuzsa the Belligerent| Spear-carrier| Will fight anything, including bad ideas. 6| Grygyr the Sniffer| Trap-Finder| Claims he can smell mechanisms. Never wrong—though falls into unconsciousness whenever he does. 7| Milada the Lumpen| General Dogsbody| Silent, massive, and smokes dried mushroom stalks. Might be a golem. 8| Klobása Janek| Camp Cook| Carries nine types of sausage. Has a provider side deal with meat-demons. 9| Kvetka of the Red Teeth| Scout| Friendly smile, filed red-painted teeth. Nice guy really. 10| Dragan the Professional| Mercenary| Comes with his own pension plan, meticulously itemized rates, and tabulated morale table.

[This being the players handout for an adventure I have been cooking for my weekly Hill Cantons home game.] Oiorpata, Isle of the Western Amazons Dedicated to Michael Shea “Beyond the steamy wetland glades, where moss-stained helots harvest blood-pearls from the polyps of the Mire-Dells, there rises the amber spire of the Palace of Many Lashes. There reigns Her Supreme Rubenesqueness, Hisfytla, Vy-Queen of the Oiorpatans, whose every morning begins with a piercing contest and ends in song, wine, and selective laceration.” —Drimkin Polvault, Court-Certified Fool of the Overkingdom The Hook Hisfytla the newly-crowned queen of the Amazons (western branch) is holding a lavish contest in which outlanders are invited to captain large combat barges “long-term leased” from the Eld in a battle of wits and valor. Qualified contestants will be supplied with a barge and crew of male-helots. The winners are promised a 2,500 silver “balsaccs” (extremely-large Amazonian coins worth five of your masculine tainted gold pieces ) and magical accouterments worthy of your ranked status. Male-presenting losers will be granted special lifetime entry-level positions in the Regal Torture-Harem. ** **Long live the Vy-Queen! **_ _**On Amazons Zem, the turtle-borne world of the Hill Cantons, bears not one but two great nations of what are ham-fistedly called “Amazons” by the weak of imagination. ** **Both tribes claim a common founding (and likely apocryphal) figure the great Queen Dwar Kin and a similar martial and matriarchal bent to their cultural ethos, and despite their differences in psycho-geography and language, they exhibit a rather remarkably consistent culture.** **Those that concern us,   the Western branch, dwell in Oiorpata, that distant and exotic isle near the resting point of the Sun Lord's daily ride. They are a fine, strong-boned, if verbally assertive race noted for their love of high-crested, baroque helmets, polished armor, and knitting circles. World famous is their biennial Ebon Festival of the Pearls, a soiree that marks both the climax of the black pearl harvest from the swamp-polyps and the victory of that muscle-bounded race of maidens against the invading forces of the Overkingdom in the Twicefold Battle of Vague Suggestiveness, now some 112 years ago. It is said that the high-point of the festivities is the public bathing and drinking by their much-feared, rubenesque queen of the blood of 12 male lovers. ** **Geography Location: Western rim of the World-Turtle Zem, near the Sun Lord’s nightly plunge. Biome: Temperate rainforests, massive fern-glades, sulfurous wetlands, mist-wrapped escarpments. Mainland Access: Rare trade barges and magical leasing contracts with the Eld. Notable Locales** **Population Amazons (Oiorpatan): roughly 4,000 population Strong-boned, loud-voiced, and fond of layered, plumed armor. Matrilineal society with complex caste-rankings based on athletic victories, poetic output, and prisoner-lashing statistics. Helots (Male Slaves): roughly 6,000 population Used for manual and service labor, rowed combat barges, and involuntary participation in interpretive theatre. Culture and Society Martial Customs: All Oiorpatan females are trained from youth in hurled and thrown weapons. The pilum, atlatl, and razor-boomerang are national obsessions. +1 to hit and +30 ft range with hurled weapons. +1 melee damage with spears. Courtship Rituals: Often involve ritualized games of capture-the-helot, followed by hot baths and a recitation of one’s martial pedigree. The Ebon Festival of the Pearls: Held every two years during black pearl harvest season. **Main Locales** Name| Description ---|--- The Sweltering Mire-Dells| Swampy lowlands where muscular, short-lived helots harvest black pearls from semi-sentient polyps. The Spire of Many Lashes| Central palace of Queen Hisfytla. Equal parts throne hall, dueling ground, and musical amphitheater. The Erolus Helm-Spires| Towering basalt cliffs with warrior monasteries carved into their faces. Pilum-throwing is practiced here by launching spears at passing birds. Port Cryzalune| Half-sunken, obsidian-docked port where Eld-crafted barges are docked and loitering mercenaries eye their fate nervously. The Moistwood| Temperate rainforest thick with ghost-ferns, carnivorous orchids, and shrieking fungal motes. Avoid the pink-tongued cypresses. * * Knitting Circles: Despite their aggressive militarism, Amazons are fond of communal knitting. Current Events: The Contest of the Barges Queen Hisfytla, newly-crowned after a 37-hour ritual wrestling match in a mud pit shaped like a unicorn, has declared an open challenge to all outlanders: “Let it be known that the Contest of the Barges shall begin when the Blood-Moon rises above the Braided Swamp! Any brave enough to test their brawn, brains, and helot-management skills may win silver balsaccs and enchanted prizes! Losers will receive consolation accommodations in the Regal Torture-Harem (entry-level tier). Long live the Vy-Queen!” Rules of the Contest All contest entrants are granted: 1. A fully crewed barge, leased from the mysterious Eld Shipwrights (who are oddly hands-off about returns). 2. 60 Helot Crewmen, armed with atlatls, paddles, and deeply demoralized attitudes. 3. Two strange animals of uncertain use (e.g., a gliding spider-lamb, a prophetic frog with a stutter, etc). The contest involves navigating a course through: * The Barbed Canal, full of snapping lilies and spikey traps. * The Fog-Crypts of Tuyzzl, a haunted lagoon where the water whispers back. * The Feathered Arena, an open water coliseum where barge-to-barge combat is performed before a panel of Amazonian judges and sycophantic foreign poets. Fabulous prizes to be awarded to the winners: * 1st Place: 2,500 balsaccs (five times the value of gp, a nominal total of 10,000), enchanted accoutrements, and an honorary sash in the Queen’s own hue (Pantone: Blooded Rose 119). * Other Finishers: Potential for courtship, minor court roles, or rigorous flogging internships.

I have been busy, busy in both real world and Hill Cantons-y writing. An update on where things are: Slumbering Ursine Dunes Omnibus This has been in my serenity prayer zone. Do you remember when you used to download things from Windows and the blue bar would get stuck at 98 percent for hours? Yeah it’s like that and basically that last bit is the last revisions on layout and getting it print ready. Kezmarok Novella My first novella The Cerulean Vaults continues to take shape, with new scenes like ritual duels, dreamlike interludes, and intrigue-laden dinner parties. The draft manuscript (19,000 words) is actually done and in revisions of uncertain magnitude. The novella expands the ruined metropolis of Kezmarok layering in its surreal politics, decaying manses, and hostel-based social life. It might be a POS or it might be good, I can’t tell. The Great Aviary Upper Works and Dungeon The Great Aviary is now fully keyed across 42 rooms both the topside great domes Aviary and first level of the dungeon, from the great glass dome and vertical museum to the portal mural that opens into a pocket dimension. Maps in multiple styles and zine-format drafts are bringing it into playable, publishable shape. And lots and lots of weird birds. The Underbridge Hidden in the foundation stone of a bridge just outside Marlinko are strange vaults. A 12-room Hyperborean hall of ancient murals and horrible levitating tombs. A done short mini-dungeon. Oiorpata and the War-Barge Contest I have about 3000 words on an adventure. The western Amazon island of Oiorpata is detailed with its society of warrior women, helot crews, and the lavish Contest of the Barges. Rival teams, magical barge designs, scorecards, and Queen Hisfytla’s court make it a fully playable centerpiece. Lady Nardja’s Manse I have roughly 2000 words also on Lady Nardja’s manse out in the Marlinko Cantons backwoods, its velvet-draped master bedchamber and husbands’ hall of locked rooms still whispering of aristocratic excess. Polyandry as adventure site. Temple of Habeka The temple of Habeka the Celestial Lady stands in ruin, its eight chambers echoing with the disputes of her bandit-rebels and rival lodges—the Evening Star, Morning Star, and Starry Void. Adventurers find both divine relics and dangerous zealots within, caught between her chained star-myth and blood-rain vengeance. NPCs and Shit Wizardry in the Cantons now has factional depth with groups like the Invisible College, alongside a roster of named wizards with dual OSE/5e stat blocks. I’ve also written a number of top ten colorful NPC rosters for hirelings, prisons, wildernesses, hostels, and bathhouses. You’ve seen some of these.

I have been busy, busy in both real world and Hill Cantons-y writing. An update on where things are: Slumbering Ursine Dunes Omnibus This has been in my serenity prayer zone. Do you remember when you used to download things from Windows and the blue bar would get stuck at 98 percent for hours? Yeah it’s like that and basically that last bit is the last revisions on layout and getting it print ready. Kezmarok Novella My first novella The Cerulean Vaults continues to take shape, with new scenes like ritual duels, dreamlike interludes, and intrigue-laden dinner parties. The draft manuscript (19,000 words) is actually done and in revisions of uncertain magnitude. The novella expands the ruined metropolis of Kezmarok layering in its surreal politics, decaying manses, and hostel-based social life. It might be a POS or it might be good, I can’t tell. The Great Aviary Upper Works and Dungeon The Great Aviary is now fully keyed across 42 rooms both the topside great domes Aviary and first level of the dungeon, from the great glass dome and vertical museum to the portal mural that opens into a pocket dimension. Maps in multiple styles and zine-format drafts are bringing it into playable, publishable shape. And lots and lots of weird birds. The Underbridge Hidden in the foundation stone of a bridge just outside Marlinko are strange vaults. A 12-room Hyperborean hall of ancient murals and horrible levitating tombs. A done short mini-dungeon. Oiorpata and the War-Barge Contest I have about 3000 words on an adventure. The western Amazon island of Oiorpata is detailed with its society of warrior women, helot crews, and the lavish Contest of the Barges. Rival teams, magical barge designs, scorecards, and Queen Hisfytla’s court make it a fully playable centerpiece. Lady Nardja’s Manse I have roughly 2000 words also on Lady Nardja’s manse out in the Marlinko Cantons backwoods, its velvet-draped master bedchamber and husbands’ hall of locked rooms still whispering of aristocratic excess. Polyandry as adventure site. Temple of Habeka The temple of Habeka the Celestial Lady stands in ruin, its eight chambers echoing with the disputes of her bandit-rebels and rival lodges—the Evening Star, Morning Star, and Starry Void. Adventurers find both divine relics and dangerous zealots within, caught between her chained star-myth and blood-rain vengeance. NPCs and Shit Wizardry in the Cantons now has factional depth with groups like the Invisible College, alongside a roster of named wizards with dual OSE/5e stat blocks. I’ve also written a number of top ten colorful NPC rosters for hirelings, prisons, wildernesses, hostels, and bathhouses. You’ve seen some of these.

Can't stop, won't stop. More NPC free-association. Undoubtedly to be recycled soon in a product near you. #| Name| Description ---|---|--- 1| Vyshemir the Bark-Cloaked| A grim-faced exile draped in stitched birch bark and vole pelts. Survives off fermented lichens and bone tea. Claims to remember the forest before it grew. Might be centuries old. 2| Klara Vrzalová, Witch of the Third Tree| Laughs like falling pinecones. Lives in a mossy stone chair by a grove of silver-furred trees. Will trade charms, potions, or secrets for awkward personal confessions. 3| Pan Drogomil of the Hollow Helm| Rusted-out Nemec reiter touring the old border forts. Helmet permanently fused shut; speaks only through taps and groans. 4| Ján “the Dung-Sifter”| Lives atop a stilt-hut over a reeking bog. Tracks monsters by analyzing droppings. Cheerful and disgusting. Offers insightful monster lore with accompanying samples. 5| The Mulberry Sisters| Three masked women in embroidered shawls who travel the forest paths in quiet song. Offer aid, murder ballads, or hexes depending on your bearing. Possibly nymph spirits. Possibly just bored old spinsters. 6| Hrabal the Cucked| Feral poet and part-time bandit with antlers tied to his brow. Recites dream-epics at knife point. Carries a scroll of prophecy he claims he found in a bear’s stomach. 7| Granda Gura| Elderly shepherdess with 33 goats and a dog named Politics. The goats speak in unison when the moons align. Gura pretends she doesn’t notice. 8| Zali the Wind-Catcher| Thin and sunburnt woman who communes with the wind spirits atop the bluffs. Can forecast weather or deliver messages on the breeze. Might be possessed. Might like it that way. 9| Blazh the Deeply Untethered| Semi-nude mystic who floats six inches off the ground. Travels in unpredictable zig-zags. Occasionally offers cryptic advice in verse, then vomits blue flaming bile. 10| Toma and his Two-Headed Boar| Wandering swineherd with a cursed, intelligent two-headed boar named Clever-Crass. Claims to be tracking the "Invisible Hogs of the Latter State Hyperborean Age." The boar will correct his grammar.

Three immense bathhouses--the tidy Punctilious Polevik, the seedy-chic Black Pomegranate and the dimly-lit Mongotarium--serve as popular centers for business and hanky panky in Marlinko. The three bathhouses are built over several hot springs in the northwestern quarter. Half-ogre masseuses and cave dwarf towelboys wait on your every need. And by every need, we of course mean rough, joyless uhh back rubs. ## Ten Bathhouse NPCs of Marlinko Roll a d10 ### 1. Old Matush the Scrubber. A leathery crone with knotted hands who’s been scrubbing backs since before the Turko-Fae siege. She knows every rumor carried on steam. “Soap and silence” is her motto—though she’ll talk for a bribe of dumplings. ### 2. Ivanko “the Honey Bear”. A massive, hairy woodcutter who soaks for hours in the hottest pool, exuding the contentment of a hibernating ursine. A quiet regular who offers blunt wisdom, and sometimes propositions adventurers to join him in his sauna “den” for honeyed crepes and quality time. ### 3. Sir Ludvik of the Perfumed Guard. A dandy cavalry commander stripped of his armor but not his dignity. He oils his moustaches even as he sweats. Often surrounded by hangers-on who fan him with birch branches and laugh at his cruel jokes. ### 4. Zelena the Towel-Mistress. A sharp-tongued attendant who keeps track of linens, sandals, and tokens. She has an uncanny knack for spotting stolen items hidden in towels. Some whisper she is an agent of the Rada. ### 5. The Steam-Seer. A pale, tattooed mystic who claims to read fortunes in vapor and sweat. His predictions are vague but unnervingly accurate, couched in riddles of mist and condensation. ### 6. Dame Ruzhena the Widow. An elegant older woman who floats in the tepid pool, wearing black silk bathing wraps. Known for her biting wit and a chain of “mourning husbands.” She flirts with young men and women alike. ### 7. The Sczrling Brothers. A pair of twin stonemasons who did the bathhouse mosaic themselves. They bicker constantly over which of them laid the finer tesserae, and spend their breaks singing bawdy songs. ### 8. Kolya “the Peacock”. A preening yet gaunt youth who struts naked save for a necklace of fake rubies and jasper. He whispers about hosting “private splashing parties.” He’s as shallow as the foot bath but well-connected in the lower contrada. ### 9. Grandpa Kresimir. A withered veteran with scars and a whistle-wheeze laugh. He insists the steam opens up his war wounds “so the ghosts can breathe.” Gives unsolicited advice about swordplay while slapping thighs with his birch switch. ### 10. The Blue-Badger Brotherhood. A small coterie of burly men with blue-dyed beards who always bathe together. They claim to be an ascetic order who “renounce the ways of the flesh for the purity of heat,” but their knowing glances suggest otherwise.

 Hello remember me, people? Insert the usual round of excuses about life, work, the difficulties of this period, etc. But hey I am writing again and finished writing up Revoca's Great Aviary--you know six years later--and in typical neuro-diverse way three other adventure sites that I have been running the family unit through (oh yes weekly Hill Cantons game has been a joy again). But hey just for chuckles here is a snippet of new content. ## 10 NPCs Found in a Hill Cantons Prison | Name| Description ---|---|--- 1| Hort Kvášek, Also Known as the Blood-Pigeon| Former contrada mocker turned prison fixer. Smuggles messages via trained hissing roaches. Speaks only in rhyming prison slang and never explains it. 2| Lazlo of the Scabrous Tongue| Mountebank sentenced for impersonating an archpriest in a municipally unsanctioned long con. Claims he was mostly accurate. Offers unsolicited life advice and fake blessings. 3| Velmira of the Burning Fan| Political prisoner and leader of the banned Society of the Resplendent Breeze. Composes inflammatory poetry using lice ink and parchment made from fingernails. Charismatic and deadly serious. 4| Brother Hromek| Feral ex-monk of a Sunlord brotherhood imprisoned for illegal thaumaturgical animal baptisms. Whispers theological riddles in his sleep. Attracts rats. 5| Tereza "the Window"| Obsessed with escape. Has not succeeded, but has memorized every stone, guard schedule, and dream-port in the wing. Claims her nose can smell “structural weaknesses.” 6| Zeno of the Twelve Names| Believes he’s been 12 different people throughout his sentence. Each day, he is someone new—today, a minor fey noble; tomorrow, a retired sausage inspector. Surprisingly consistent combat skills. 7| Gül the Scarred| Stoic mercenary sentenced for refusing to pay a ransom fee. Keeps to himself unless offered a game of knucklebones or a decent philosophical debate. Covered in ceremonial dueling scars. 8| The Bogtrotter| Mysterious figure from the marshlands. Wears a mask made of stitched cattails and claims to be unjustly imprisoned for “swamp-related matters.” Might be a literal swamp spirit. 9| Old Jarka| Elderly matron jailed for punching a visiting satrap in the groin during a harvest parade. Claims to have no regrets. Fiercely respected among inmates and the prison kitchen staff. 10| Urosh the Complainer| Chronic kvetch and long-term inmate. No one remembers what he was originally jailed for. May in fact be the prison’s soul-bound spirit or simply very annoying. Hums obscure protest songs.