👀

incidentally this was the exact same week I developed mono, which in turn is the most likely origin of my subsequent chronic fatigue issues so like. SUPER bummer week for baby erika there

idk man. I'm just big sad and very tired right now, I think. it's a rough time for a lot of people. please take care of yourselves and each other.

I know it's not fair to hold it against her. but it wasn't fair to me to have to do that, and to have that body-memory haunt me every year.

I dont know where she is now, though I caught up with her about 5 years after than and she seemed well. I was happy about that, and I hope she's well still. but I don't think I'll ever forgive her really, because nobody thanks you for cleaning up your friend's blood and throwing out the razor.

I still remember trying to get her blood off the white hotel towels while emergency services carried her out. we weren't super close, she'd struggled with depression and self varm for some time. better friends went with her to hospital, and I scubbed the towels and the tiles clean

today I realised it's almost exactly 20 years since I went to shower in the hotel I was sharing with friends after HS graduation to find one of them bleeding out from a suicide attempt. like, all the other things are a factor for sure, but this time of year I always think of her, just a little bit

holy shit