For 7 years, I was my daughter’s protector and primary supporter. And this week I realized she doesn't need me in that role anymore. So now what? Who do I want to be in her life? I have no idea. And it's physically uncomfortable—a tightness in my chest and throat. But when I force an answer about a relationship, I'm just soothing my anxiety with a story. "She needs me to always be available." "I haven’t heard from her so something must be wrong." Meanwhile, I miss the chance to discover a new...

In 2018, I found out my daughter had been abused at my ex-husbands house. She was 5 years old when it happened. She held it together until she was 26, then her life fell completely apart. For over a year, I drove 8 hours each way, twice a month, to clean her apartment and stock her freezer. But my primary job was to hold her, to try to make her feel safe. I boiled with rage. I wanted him to feel like the piece of sh*t he was for not protecting her. But she didn’t want him to know about her...

Last Saturday, I was at my desk while my partner put lights on our Christmas tree in the other room. But the lovely quiet morning was suddenly interrupted by an explosion of swear words as a bang shook the wall. I rushed in. He was crouched beside the tree, rubbing his head, white lights trailing from the branches. The paint was chipped where our sideboard had landed after he shoved it. "I hit my head on that effing thing," he said, pointing at the table. "Doing the lights is really...

The words were as loud and clear in my head as if I had headphones on: “Go skydiving.” But I wasn't listening to anything while I worked in my home office. At that moment, I was looking out the window at the backyard garden instead of my computer, resting my eyes for a minute. I felt like an alien had injected the idea into my brain. The only thing I knew about jumping out of planes was that Army guys did it because they had to. I was terrified of heights and hated flying. The idea belonged...

I couldn’t figure out why I felt off on my walk in the woods this morning. I even passed my favorite tree without noticing. Then I checked on what my mind was doing. It was ruminating about a mistake my daughter might make in her ongoing legal battle with her ex and what I’d say to her about it. But I didn’t escalate to becoming anxious. After 10 minutes of reciting the words I memorized and looking up at the trees (not down at the ground), I felt like myself again. Checking on your mind is a...

I knew that starting another relationship within 2 months of my divorce was a bad idea. And that dating someone whose divorce wasn’t final was another bad idea. But I didn’t know why, or what taking more time would do for either of us. I learned the hard way: If you date too soon, you focus on what you don't want to experience again. For example, my ex put his business ahead of our family and broke his promises. He was present physically when we talked, but his mind was mostly somewhere else....

“… but I won’t be divorced twice.” This is how I thought about my second marriage. What came before the but? The way he made fun of me in front of our friends, offered to pay for things but never did, said his job was to keep me from getting a swollen head. And because I chose to downplay these, one thing followed the but: I stayed in an unhealthy relationship for 11 years. Here’s what I wish I knew then: A but signals we’re settling. It’s a sign we’re not letting ourselves have what we need...

Across the wooden picnic table, my friend was talking. But I wasn't listening. I was trying to find the courage to tell my truth. I’d never told anyone before. If she responded badly, it would destroy me. My heart pounded as I opened my mouth. "Underneath everything inside me, there's just a steaming pile of dog shit. That's my core." She looked at me. But she didn’t judge. Instead, she gave me space to speak. And the words poured out of me. I explained that I had a mask for every situation:...

After my partner asked me out for the first time, I started mentally spiraling about what to do and say over dinner. After two marriages that ended in divorce, I was terrified of ending up in another disastrous relationship. Then my friend Patti said: If it feels good, keep going. If it feels bad, run away. If you don't know how it feels, pay close attention. Her advice stopped my spirals cold, Reader. I stopped planning what to say and do. Mentally rehearsing conversations we could have. I...

I was sprawled on the couch at 9PM, ready to take my mystery novel to bed and read myself to sleep. My phone rang. For the second night in a row, my daughter wanted to talk about an argument with her partner. The previous night, I'd listened for a long time before asking her if she wanted some suggestions. On Thursday, I went straight to telling her what she and her partner should do. She interrupted me in a sharp voice: I just want you to say, "I’m sorry. That sounds really challenging." A...

The Head to Heart framework changed my daughter’s life. Her ex-husband is super hostile and manipulative. Their divorce dragged on for 2 years, and they’ve been back to court 3 times. Whenever he messaged her, she spiraled. Fear. Tears. Panic attacks. She couldn’t stop thinking the worst. It even affected her new marriage. Her husband was frustrated that she couldn’t let go of her ex.

After 28 years in 2 unhappy marriages, I'm in year 15 of a partnership that's beyond anything I ever imagined. Strong, sweet, authentic, intimate. I help other people create the relationships they yearn for by following the same steps I did--the Head with Heart framework. Turn down the volume on overthinking Overthinking is a huge problem in relationships. It's how we pick people that are wrong for us, stay in relationships that don't work, avoid setting boundaries we need, stay quiet instead of asking for what we need and want.

I harbored resentment like a miser hoarding cash under a mattress. Toward my husband, sisters, friends. Complete strangers pushing carts down the cereal aisle. As an overthinker, I saw and remembered every nuance of someone else's behavior. I built airtight cases for my anger. Everyone just needed to catch up to my intelligence and standards. Intellectually, I knew resentment wasn’t good.

Our overthinking, analytic mind doesn’t like some of our ideas. The quiet ones. Whispers. Nudges. It rejects them so quickly, they don’t make it into our conscious awareness. We’re more likely to notice the resistance: I can’t do that. Not now. That makes no sense. No way. But the quiet thoughts we reject can be the most powerful ones we ever have.

Sharing your authentic thoughts, emotions, and beliefs is at the core of healthy relationships. Even when it feels risky. But we don’t become vulnerable all at once. No jumping stark naked into the swimming pool in front of everyone. It’s a gradual process. Wading into ankle-deep honesty with someone you trust, getting comfortable there, then feeling how much deeper you want to go.

Early last Thursday morning, I followed Tito, my dog, onto a log to cross a creek. We’ve done it hundreds of times. This time, just before we got to the far side, a beaver slipped into the water through the heavy brush. Tito stopped. Tried to turn around. And fell in. After scrambling onto rocks, he was stuck in a cold creek running fast through thick woods and brush.

I was wrong. All 4672 times I said we overthink because we’re smart. The truth is: We overthink because we’re not smart enough. Let me explain. We're born with the potential to be smart in two ways: Analytic, logical intelligence Emotional intelligence and intuitive insight But we only use the first kind. We develop it in school, where right answers are the key to gold stars.

Screaming into pillows made my throat hurt. So I made a bat - 3 newspaper issues rolled tight and taped together - and pounded it against my garage floor. I wanted to know why I was so angry at everyone and everything. Irritation always simmering in my gut and chest. I thought that if I kept pummeling the stained gray concrete, I’d get to the bottom of my anger.

Let me introduce you to neurons. Your brain cells. Your thoughts activate groups of neurons. Different thoughts activate different neurons. Repeating the same thoughts makes the groups of neurons activate faster and form stronger connections. They form neural pathways. Imagine your brain is a forest. Neural pathways are trails. The more you follow them, the deeper they get. Overthinking comes from deep neural pathways in your brain forest.

In 2 years, her smarts, skills, confidence, and creativity took her from staff nurse to managing 60 nurses on two units. But her ex got under her skin, big time. She spiraled with every gaslighting gut-punch message about their kids. Her anxiety skyrocketed. Then she found “f*cking freedom”. Like most smart, successful women, her intelligence was her superpower at work.

Your history of not-so-great relationships doesn't mean your picker's broken. You just need to fix your filter. Let me explain. You choose potential partners based on a filter. An mental and emotional checklist. The problem? You do it unconsciously based on: Chemistry What feels familiar What you saw at home, in movies, online, and on TV What you don't want to repeat…

I was sitting in traffic last Sunday when I suddenly understood something about my partner. I had a epiphanette. Not a full-on epiphany with angels and trumpets. An "aha" moment about something he does that's puzzled me for 15 years. Maybe you have someone in your life whose behavior mystifies you. It could give you an "aha" moment, too. The lay of the land…

I don't usually tell stories about people I work with. But I have her permission to share it with you because she's pretty excited about it. Let's call her Sara. She has a really full life, like most of us. Two kids, a husband, an ex (her kids' dad), starting a new business. Three cats and a new house. We've talked a few times when she was deep in very active overthinking.

Left to my own devices, I would never have cleaned the bathrooms this morning. I would have tackled my to-do list. This story started on May 16, when I got on a plane to go visit my daughter. I love spending time with her, but she has a different lifestyle than I do. Less movement, more video games. When I visit, I do as much as I can to keep my head and heart connected.

I posted on Threads this week about a list everyone – especially if you overthink – needs before beginning to date. Dealbreakers Qualities of another person that constitute an immediate hard pass on a relationship. A lively conversation followed. It's here if you're interested. People responded mostly in one of two ways. "Great idea!" or "I did it and now I'm with a wonderful person."