Someday I want to walk into a public restroom and shout “ITS POOP TIME” and let out the squelchiest mother fucker you ever did hear.

Sorry sir, I wasn’t mad dogging you. I was just mad in love with your dog. 🐕

If Colorado were in Canada they’d be calling it Colourado

My red flag is double dosing my lactose intolerance with a meal of Mac & cheese and chocolate milk.

I dwooled on my pillow