I do TOO I have a girlfriend. Her name? It's uh, Janfrom. Janfrom Thosetoyotacommercials. She's not from around here. You wouldn't know her

Buying an excavator off Temu from a Twitter ad

Clear your moderate-to-severe eczema and "Do More* With Dupixent®!"

* The "More" includes several antisocial behaviors; up to and including wasting food, hogging kiddie pools, and ruining cookouts

Got a girl pregnant cuz I used my last condom to make my boots shiny before our date

My favorite accounts on Instagram are called like "Today_Popular_Films" & post sped-up 40 second clips of movies but never mention the title. The caption is just what happens in the clip like "bro really help the girl when she need it most😳" and they have 6.8M followers

This film was mortifying to watch with my parents, due to too much $€× scenes and being 92 hours long

FUCKING OUR PORPOISE

That's that pee espresso

What's with that bite mark? Are these things the size of a hamburger?

I was pretty happy with my cell provider, but it was something about seeing 2 guys from Suits make sounds in a garage for the 100th time that made me switch to T-Mobile

Sad news, [photo of the oldest, most desiccated, boney-ass dog with the milkiest eyes you've ever seen] crossed the Rainbow Bridge today. Rest easy my angel. Gone too soon. [Another pic of them as a puppy, with the Challenger explosion on TV in the background]

Do you think there's ever been a meeting at Daisy about how they're 3rd in related searches?

My favorite podcast right now is that one from the Rocket Money commercial. I was kicked in the head by a horse in 1997

Just landed my dream job! I'm proud to announce I'm now the guy that makes certain parts of Post-it Notes impossible to write on with a pen! Eat shit Corporate America!