Telling all of my new clothes “welcome to the team!” so they know they are loved

What the fuck is Jimmy Fallon doing on my Ben and Jerry’s ice cream

89 is divisible by 27 and the police does nothing

Me when my Prongles pring:

*sung to the theme of the lollipop song* 🎶girlie pop, girlie pop oooh girlie girlie girlie🎶

You ever start typing a word you aren’t sure abt, sound it out in ur head and let spell check take the wheel? Like if I’m being honest, I have NO idea how to spell indoctrination, but you would think I did.

Desperately need everyone to know that a song called “I like bananas because they have no bones” exists. It was written in 1936 and it is beautiful.

In case you were wondering, this is what the kids are talking abt these days

A massage isn’t enough I need to be rolled like bread dough with scoliosis

Is it just me that feels warm inside when a Burger King commercial comes on and a man with a nice voice tells me I rule? Like thanks man, means a lot, but I’m still not going to ur store.

Why can’t I wake up and be mediocre? I’m tired asf. U know what would actually be awesome? Going back to fucking bed

High school is a unique experience because you can have some guy soulfully playing the guitar next to a group of freaks discussing which of the Inside Out emotions is the most fuckable. Btw it was Disgust, tho they did say fear had some “undeniable autistic rizz.”

So apparently this is twitter but not toxic? Let’s hope that’s true. Anyways, here’s my cat.