The randomness of teenage sleep patterns is surpassed only by the randomness of the places where they fall asleep.

I get bread and milk but I couldn’t find a single potato or non-sugar/fat free creamer at Kroger last night. What does everybody else know that I don’t?

The kid said last night that she’ll probably get disowned for admitting she doesn’t like it.

Now there’s a plot twist I didn’t see coming

100% your kid, no DNA test needed