"RIP, Torn"
-Rip Torn's tombstone, I guess.
-Rip Torn's tombstone, I guess.
December 31, 2025 at 1:13 PM
"RIP, Torn"
-Rip Torn's tombstone, I guess.
-Rip Torn's tombstone, I guess.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: ...
Dec 27-30: The Void... No one knows what day it is.
Dec 31: New Year's Eve
Jan 1: New Year's Day
Jan 2: Reality Hits
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: ...
Dec 27-30: The Void... No one knows what day it is.
Dec 31: New Year's Eve
Jan 1: New Year's Day
Jan 2: Reality Hits
December 30, 2025 at 1:32 PM
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: ...
Dec 27-30: The Void... No one knows what day it is.
Dec 31: New Year's Eve
Jan 1: New Year's Day
Jan 2: Reality Hits
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: ...
Dec 27-30: The Void... No one knows what day it is.
Dec 31: New Year's Eve
Jan 1: New Year's Day
Jan 2: Reality Hits
An apparition appears in my room, alongside a more successful doppelgänger of myself.
Apparition: And this is what you would be.
Doppelgänger [sobbing]: Spare me these twisted visions, specter! I have learned my lesson!
[Both vanish.]
Me [wiping Cheeto dust off my face]: Hey, what the heck?
Apparition: And this is what you would be.
Doppelgänger [sobbing]: Spare me these twisted visions, specter! I have learned my lesson!
[Both vanish.]
Me [wiping Cheeto dust off my face]: Hey, what the heck?
December 23, 2025 at 1:28 PM
An apparition appears in my room, alongside a more successful doppelgänger of myself.
Apparition: And this is what you would be.
Doppelgänger [sobbing]: Spare me these twisted visions, specter! I have learned my lesson!
[Both vanish.]
Me [wiping Cheeto dust off my face]: Hey, what the heck?
Apparition: And this is what you would be.
Doppelgänger [sobbing]: Spare me these twisted visions, specter! I have learned my lesson!
[Both vanish.]
Me [wiping Cheeto dust off my face]: Hey, what the heck?
USPS Tracking:
Step 1: We're not sure it even exists.
Step 2: Delivered.
Step 1: We're not sure it even exists.
Step 2: Delivered.
December 22, 2025 at 1:37 PM
USPS Tracking:
Step 1: We're not sure it even exists.
Step 2: Delivered.
Step 1: We're not sure it even exists.
Step 2: Delivered.
A palindrome is a word that reads the same forward and backward, such as Madam, Level, or Radar. An emordnilap is a word that forms a different valid word when spelled backward, such as Stressed and Desserts, or Evil and Live.
Palindrome, spelled backward, is emordnilap.
There you have it.
Palindrome, spelled backward, is emordnilap.
There you have it.
December 19, 2025 at 1:57 PM
A palindrome is a word that reads the same forward and backward, such as Madam, Level, or Radar. An emordnilap is a word that forms a different valid word when spelled backward, such as Stressed and Desserts, or Evil and Live.
Palindrome, spelled backward, is emordnilap.
There you have it.
Palindrome, spelled backward, is emordnilap.
There you have it.
Hmm, should I spend two seconds clicking unsubscribe, or one second deleting an e-mail from this company every single day for the rest of my life?
December 17, 2025 at 1:46 PM
Hmm, should I spend two seconds clicking unsubscribe, or one second deleting an e-mail from this company every single day for the rest of my life?
Chat: I can’t.
Email: I cannot.
3,000-word essay: I am unable to can.
Email: I cannot.
3,000-word essay: I am unable to can.
December 16, 2025 at 5:53 PM
Chat: I can’t.
Email: I cannot.
3,000-word essay: I am unable to can.
Email: I cannot.
3,000-word essay: I am unable to can.
There are children being born today whose parents weren't alive when Shrek (2001) came out. It's crazy how the years start comin', and they don't stop comin'.
December 15, 2025 at 2:29 PM
There are children being born today whose parents weren't alive when Shrek (2001) came out. It's crazy how the years start comin', and they don't stop comin'.
Is the Grinch his name, his ethnicity, or his job?
December 12, 2025 at 1:50 PM
Is the Grinch his name, his ethnicity, or his job?
I would walk 500 miles, but I don't think I’d walk 500 more. After the first 500, I wouldn’t be the man who’s still walking. I’d be the man who lies down and goes to sleep.
December 11, 2025 at 3:33 PM
I would walk 500 miles, but I don't think I’d walk 500 more. After the first 500, I wouldn’t be the man who’s still walking. I’d be the man who lies down and goes to sleep.
We’re only a couple of streaming mergers short of recreating basic cable.
December 9, 2025 at 1:46 PM
We’re only a couple of streaming mergers short of recreating basic cable.
You listen to cool music every day, but play Mambo No. 5 one time, and Spotify is like, "Your number one artist this year is Lou Bega. We told him you want to meet him."
December 4, 2025 at 2:43 PM
You listen to cool music every day, but play Mambo No. 5 one time, and Spotify is like, "Your number one artist this year is Lou Bega. We told him you want to meet him."
Today is tomorrow's yesterday.
December 3, 2025 at 6:51 PM
Today is tomorrow's yesterday.
Is it just me, or does no one disappear in the Bermuda Triangle anymore?
December 3, 2025 at 2:12 PM
Is it just me, or does no one disappear in the Bermuda Triangle anymore?
“Nah.” <- Everyone with an office job, from the Monday after Thanksgiving until January 2.
December 2, 2025 at 2:00 PM
“Nah.” <- Everyone with an office job, from the Monday after Thanksgiving until January 2.
“Sorry for the delayed reply.”
-Weak
-Boring
-Corporate
“You’re welcome for that period of quiet reflection.”
-Generous
-Shows a passion for mindfulness
-Chaos level 1000
-Weak
-Boring
-Corporate
“You’re welcome for that period of quiet reflection.”
-Generous
-Shows a passion for mindfulness
-Chaos level 1000
November 30, 2025 at 2:59 PM
“Sorry for the delayed reply.”
-Weak
-Boring
-Corporate
“You’re welcome for that period of quiet reflection.”
-Generous
-Shows a passion for mindfulness
-Chaos level 1000
-Weak
-Boring
-Corporate
“You’re welcome for that period of quiet reflection.”
-Generous
-Shows a passion for mindfulness
-Chaos level 1000
Limited Time Black Friday Offer! Save 100% when you buy absolutely nothing.
November 28, 2025 at 3:28 PM
Limited Time Black Friday Offer! Save 100% when you buy absolutely nothing.
The most confusing Star Wars film is Witness. Han Solo settling into Amish country? That planet isn’t anywhere in the franchise.
November 26, 2025 at 1:43 PM
The most confusing Star Wars film is Witness. Han Solo settling into Amish country? That planet isn’t anywhere in the franchise.
Children outside screaming is annoying, but for the greater good. Children need Outside Screaming Time for proper emotional development. It is an auditory burden I am willing to bear. The neighbor with his car, which he made louder on purpose: jail for the neighbor. Jail for ten thousand years.
November 25, 2025 at 1:50 PM
Children outside screaming is annoying, but for the greater good. Children need Outside Screaming Time for proper emotional development. It is an auditory burden I am willing to bear. The neighbor with his car, which he made louder on purpose: jail for the neighbor. Jail for ten thousand years.
She hadn’t dared make a milkshake in years. The risk was too great.
Still, her hand trembled as she reached for the blender.
The motor roared to life.
From somewhere beyond the fence, a rising chorus of shouts.
The boys had heard the call, and they were coming to her yard.
Still, her hand trembled as she reached for the blender.
The motor roared to life.
From somewhere beyond the fence, a rising chorus of shouts.
The boys had heard the call, and they were coming to her yard.
November 24, 2025 at 3:11 PM
She hadn’t dared make a milkshake in years. The risk was too great.
Still, her hand trembled as she reached for the blender.
The motor roared to life.
From somewhere beyond the fence, a rising chorus of shouts.
The boys had heard the call, and they were coming to her yard.
Still, her hand trembled as she reached for the blender.
The motor roared to life.
From somewhere beyond the fence, a rising chorus of shouts.
The boys had heard the call, and they were coming to her yard.
I think Sisyphus would be a lot happier if there were a big counter at the top of the mountain that went up with every successful rock push, and if he could spend those points on fun stickers for the rock.
November 21, 2025 at 2:20 PM
I think Sisyphus would be a lot happier if there were a big counter at the top of the mountain that went up with every successful rock push, and if he could spend those points on fun stickers for the rock.
Ten years from now, you’ll put on a jacket and find a mask in the pocket. “Oh man, what a weird year that was,” you’ll chuckle to yourself. Then you’ll pick up your machete and continue across the wasteland, keeping to the shadows to avoid the roving gangs of raiders.
November 21, 2025 at 2:19 PM
Ten years from now, you’ll put on a jacket and find a mask in the pocket. “Oh man, what a weird year that was,” you’ll chuckle to yourself. Then you’ll pick up your machete and continue across the wasteland, keeping to the shadows to avoid the roving gangs of raiders.
Ah yes, it’s the time of year when people in commercials buy cars without telling their significant others like complete psychopaths.
November 20, 2025 at 4:35 PM
Ah yes, it’s the time of year when people in commercials buy cars without telling their significant others like complete psychopaths.
Remember quarantine, when everyone was making bread, dancing, creating art, taking care of plants, and learning new, useful skills, and we got a small glimpse of what life is supposed to be like?
November 19, 2025 at 2:10 PM
Remember quarantine, when everyone was making bread, dancing, creating art, taking care of plants, and learning new, useful skills, and we got a small glimpse of what life is supposed to be like?
I made Colombian coffee and then poured in Irish cream, Italian sweet cream, and French vanilla. My coffee is more cultured than I am.
November 18, 2025 at 8:49 PM
I made Colombian coffee and then poured in Irish cream, Italian sweet cream, and French vanilla. My coffee is more cultured than I am.