ate at a restaurant because they had a sign in the window that said “fuck ice”—good food but the drinks were a bit warm.

“Look at me, Damien! It's all for you!”

don’t be sad hulk hogan died. be sad that he ever lived.

been having a lot of old friends from back in Boston reach out now that they regret supporting trump.

it’s nice to hear from them especially since we’ve grown apart and lost touch over our conflicting ideologies.

i hate to say “i told you so.”

but i did. and you should have fucking known better.

oh what’s the matter sweetie? you’ve barely touched your government-issued cyanide pill

POP THE BALLOON but it’s about the oz police dept trying to stop dorothy from fleeing back to kansas so she can stand trial for murdering that first witch with a fucking house #screenpit 🎈🔫

Shoutout to my therapist and gastroenterologist for teaming up to find that my personality is the result of holding in a fart since jr high.

If the dude giving you a tattoo starts singing Crazytown's "Butterfly" to himself, relax - he probably knows his shit.

Just opened a fortune cookie that read: "If you're reading this, I'm already dead."

MY WIFE: “I hope when it’s my time to die, I go in my sleep. How about you?”

ME: *Waves at the cameras, to all the people watching at home on TV, while a giant toaster slowly lowers me to my doom dressed as a goddamn Pop-Tart®️*

My only vice is holding onto things.

Trust issues? I never go into a tunnel unless I see someone else do it first in case it’s actually just a wall with a tunnel painted on it.

When it’s extra-virgin olive oil but cooks like it knows what it’s doing…mama mia! 😗👌

You’ve been murdered, who do you want on the case?

"Zig-a-zig ahhh..." - a Spice Girl getting her throat checked

Hear me out: A Gatekeeper of Gozer-themed Italian restaurant called Pasta For Zuul.

For Sale: Peloton shoes, never worn.