Nobody asks me if I like to party anymore

My favorite Jonas Brothers song is that Harry Styles song

JER: Tesla, are you taking that huge tub of Vaseline to camp?
TESLA: No, I’m taking my *other* huge tub of Vaseline to camp.

I have a strong suspicion that some people, when their garden hose breaks, know how to fix it without buying a whole new one. This is the kind of person I want at our commune!

(There are other desired qualities, too. But that’s a good start.)

JER: You can try my new kimchi, it needs to ferment more and it might have made my stomach hurt but I don’t think it’s gonna kill you.
TESLA: okay Dad all I heard was “kill you”

TESLA: (very casually) Hey, have you ever summoned the Devil at a middle school sleepover?

Milo’s teacher asked for the name of our dear departed Chihuahua, so I had to write this to another grown-up:

“Our dog was named “Sonmi-451”, but we also called her just “Sonmi”, as well as pet names like “Doogeentz”, “Eentz Peentz”, ”Poopanz”, or “Squeentz Peentz”.

TESLA, while watching Inception: “Bro, this these effects are GOOD. Not like ‘Sharkboy & Lavagirl’ “

The way Hogwarts is run is a really stupid way to run a wizard school.

Exxtreme Doilies— these ain’t your grandma’s doilies!

The Todal gleeped.

People who don’t have a way to sharpen their kitchen knives

Is there a name for the delusion that all your problems could be solved if you just bought the right assortment of storage containers?

I’m just curious about the Joker’s henchman-hiring process. In every depiction, he never lacks for help. But wouldn’t word get around that the work environment was pretty chaotic? Does he outsource hiring? I just can’t see him sorting résumés.

I ask:
1) are vampires real? [people say "no"]
2) are zombies real? [no]
3) werewolves? [no]
You're doing great! Ready, just keep going like that!
Okay: 4) are ghosts real?
[embarrassed pause, then, "yes, ghosts are real"]
Baffling, but I have some theories to explain why this happens.

JER: What's the name of the boatman across the river Styx?
FAM: ...
JER: It begins with C-H...
MILO: Is it "CHeachers gonna CHoch ya?"

Did the most famous sriracha brand just go out of business? I hope someone else can recreate their magic formula to deliver a comparable product while abandoning any poor business practices that contributed to their demise!

Neal Stephenson's latest novel, Polostan, is out. I'm giddy (Termination Shock came out in 2021, so long ago that I just re-read it, remembering little) but also irked that it's only 324p. But it's the first book of a cycle, so who knows how soon the next comes out? I must pace myself; breathe.

I'm here, guys. Sorry I'm late!