I'm in such a state, I'm in between crying and wanting to sleep. I feel like a toddler. I'm on the verge of tears because I did give my friend the cold shoulder today and it sucked. Because he wanted to chat and I was indifferent, it hurt me so much to be so guarded with him.

So, an update.

I think I can say I have been somewhat successful.

He posted an IG Story that was public, and I managed not to click on it. On purpose. So that yeah, I won't get the crumbs you leave for everyone else. It was important for me, to not super care to keep up with him that way.

So now that I am mourning this friendship, I'll try and do what people always say with breakups. I'll care for myself the way I used to care about you.

Given that I've grown up gay, being born in 1989 in Brazil, there are some aspects of this that have shaped who I am today and how I relate to other people, and unfortunately it is a source of anxiety which to this day demands a little more energy from me than I'd like.

I had an epiphany today. It is ridiculous how I didn't think of this earlier to be honest. All of this turmoil I'm having with this friendship of mine is suddenly so clear. I may be getting ahead of myself and history isn't about to repeat itself, but, all signs point to it.

Ok so after this week, I have come to the realisation I have my answer. And I need to start acting accordingly to it.

So this means symmetry. I'll be polite and answer when he texts. But I won't reach out. I will hold myself back. Because I am bothering. And I won't ask or talk.

After the sadness and realisation of earlier today, I can at least say I am proud of myself, of not yet entirely content. I managed to spend two whole days without texting him. Even if I did stalk his SM.

I'm upset and angry with my friend. And now I've realised why. Like, I've spent the last couple of days angry with him without really investigating why.

the people who I love the most are the people who get the worst of me. indeed.

I mean, what the hell did I expect. I should have known. And to be quite honest I don't think I'd behave differently in his place. If anything, he is absolutely more forthcoming than I would have been.

You know what, fuck you. Fuck you very very much.

I was only joking, and I was still kind. And you're ignoring me now? You know what, thank you. I guess I needed to feel this shitty.

I know where our friendship stands. And I need to not be so co dependent anyways. So fuck you. And thank you.

I just don't want to feel like this.

I tell myself about 100x a day that I hate myself. That I don't want to live like this, but I don't want to die.

I have these intrusive thoughts that keep pushing the cringiest memories to the forefront of my mind, all the fucking time.

I want peace.

My best friend came home from Europe last week. I had not seen her in person for more than a year now. I cried when I hugged her. We laughed together, I had an amazing time. I felt loved and most importantly I felt the love I have for her. It was the highlight of my week.

I am feeling quite down today. I have been through the week, but he just sort of ruined my day today. It is so awkward how aware of it all I am, but I still can't shake this blueness. Especially considering I know what caused it. I am just super upset.

This weekend was an odd one. So warm in here I ended up consuming about 3 litres of liquid per day. This meant waking up often to pee, and then without many responsibilities, a morning nap and an afternoon nap. So my sleep schedule is fucked.

So, when I created this acc I was feeling quite low. I have been overindulging myself for a while now, and I had a pretty nasty binge at the weekend and I was dealing with the consequences of that.

this is not my main account. I am going to use this to vent. it will be like a little diary, a journal.