@jmarrr.bsky.social
How long do I (someone terminally online and clinically addicted to my phone) wait before complaining that my summer league captains haven't contacted me / added me to a groupme yet?
May 17, 2025 at 11:57 PM
How long do I (someone terminally online and clinically addicted to my phone) wait before complaining that my summer league captains haven't contacted me / added me to a groupme yet?
Does it still count as a workout if you break your toe while warming up and don't get to do any of your working sets?
May 14, 2025 at 12:22 AM
Does it still count as a workout if you break your toe while warming up and don't get to do any of your working sets?
Finding a new band and having to Google "[band name] accusations" before you get too into them.
May 6, 2025 at 12:02 AM
Finding a new band and having to Google "[band name] accusations" before you get too into them.
The most primal/carnivore thing I do is stab the tofu container and let the blood water drain out.
May 3, 2025 at 8:59 PM
The most primal/carnivore thing I do is stab the tofu container and let the blood water drain out.
This dude went the extra mile to qualify for the good parking spot
April 22, 2025 at 10:34 PM
This dude went the extra mile to qualify for the good parking spot
Fine. I'll be the new pope.
April 22, 2025 at 12:25 AM
Fine. I'll be the new pope.
Hot take: Owl City's Fireflies is one of the best songs ever made.
March 30, 2025 at 8:34 PM
Hot take: Owl City's Fireflies is one of the best songs ever made.
I think that wedding invites should come with a binding legal agreement that says, "in accepting this invite, the bride/groom agree to spill the tea should they divorce".
March 21, 2025 at 4:46 PM
I think that wedding invites should come with a binding legal agreement that says, "in accepting this invite, the bride/groom agree to spill the tea should they divorce".
When you work from home, the odds of shitting your pants at work GREATLY decrease. But I'm here to remind you - they're never 0.
March 21, 2025 at 1:42 PM
When you work from home, the odds of shitting your pants at work GREATLY decrease. But I'm here to remind you - they're never 0.
My daily news dive always makes me sad, but then I ask ChatGPT "what are the odds I outlive an overweight 78 year old man?" And I feel a sliver of joy.
March 21, 2025 at 1:32 PM
My daily news dive always makes me sad, but then I ask ChatGPT "what are the odds I outlive an overweight 78 year old man?" And I feel a sliver of joy.
A weekend with family has resulted in my daughter calling me "uncle Jordan"
March 16, 2025 at 10:25 PM
A weekend with family has resulted in my daughter calling me "uncle Jordan"
My 2 year old is crashing out when I really need her to lock in.
March 9, 2025 at 12:36 AM
My 2 year old is crashing out when I really need her to lock in.
Life's too short to eat peanut butter you have to stir.
February 24, 2025 at 6:57 PM
Life's too short to eat peanut butter you have to stir.
I moved the last few years of tweets over, and now I can finally let my brain poison flow here.
February 18, 2025 at 2:26 PM
I moved the last few years of tweets over, and now I can finally let my brain poison flow here.
The DMV won't let me change my weight on my license renewal. So legally speaking, I lost 40lbs today 💪
February 18, 2025 at 2:18 PM
The DMV won't let me change my weight on my license renewal. So legally speaking, I lost 40lbs today 💪
My favorite @SabrinaAnnLynn song is where she says, "you make me wet like MooDeng"
February 18, 2025 at 2:18 PM
My favorite @SabrinaAnnLynn song is where she says, "you make me wet like MooDeng"
People born on 12/12/12 are turning 12 today.
February 18, 2025 at 2:18 PM
People born on 12/12/12 are turning 12 today.
🎶 Last Christmas, I gave you my fart and the very next day, you blew it away 🎵🎶
February 18, 2025 at 2:18 PM
🎶 Last Christmas, I gave you my fart and the very next day, you blew it away 🎵🎶
It turns out that with the right combo of open doors and blinds, I can make eye contact with my neighbor in his garage while I'm taking a shit.
February 18, 2025 at 2:18 PM
It turns out that with the right combo of open doors and blinds, I can make eye contact with my neighbor in his garage while I'm taking a shit.
What does it mean if you make your therapist cry during your session?
February 18, 2025 at 2:18 PM
What does it mean if you make your therapist cry during your session?
Trump just picked me as head of the US Dept of cutie pies.
February 18, 2025 at 2:17 PM
Trump just picked me as head of the US Dept of cutie pies.
Sometimes parenting is putting dozens of hair ties around the neck of a rubber duck at 1am. (And then brushing his hair???)
February 18, 2025 at 2:17 PM
Sometimes parenting is putting dozens of hair ties around the neck of a rubber duck at 1am. (And then brushing his hair???)
I don't have time to photoshop a "Boss Baby 2: Back in the White House" movie poster and I apologize for that
February 18, 2025 at 2:17 PM
I don't have time to photoshop a "Boss Baby 2: Back in the White House" movie poster and I apologize for that
Exercise hack: prep a nice lil post workout snack BEFORE you start your workout. And then eat it immediately and decide to just exercise tomorrow instead.
February 18, 2025 at 2:17 PM
Exercise hack: prep a nice lil post workout snack BEFORE you start your workout. And then eat it immediately and decide to just exercise tomorrow instead.