Funny thing, it doesn’t bother me here. I really like your poem, but if I put it in a pan and boiled it down:
fox cubs nestled fiddleheads
The idea is showing not telling. The image of fiddleheads in itself tells us the foxes are curled around each other. That’s the difference of short long forms.
Haiku is all about the images. Showing over telling. I do like your second poem very much. Going back to your original, when my mind took out the “as if” I said oh, that would give the moon so much agency. And that’s my real goal, breathing life into it. In the second poem, like would not stop me.
I would always say go with what feels good to you. I have had a lot of stand-offs with purists, like those who say 575 isn’t haiku and vice versa, and I tell both sides not to tell me something is or isn’t haiku if your name isn’t Bashō. That said, I feel it’s a good guideline.
Fantastic! I like this poem a great deal! Yes, in haiku where every word counts so much, metaphors really pop and meanings multiply when we leave out like and as.
Never too late for you, Carolyn! I can only echo what others have said. How many poems do you have on this subject? And has Alan sneakily worked his prompts around them?
