John Howard Matthews
@johnmatthews.bsky.social
Words in funny, literary, and weird places: McSweeney's, Chicago Reader, Points in Case, SlackJaw, Whiskey Tit, American Bystander.
website: https://www.johnhowardmatthews.com/
website: https://www.johnhowardmatthews.com/
Thanks for the upcoming night terrors, AI clothing designers.
December 19, 2025 at 12:59 AM
Thanks for the upcoming night terrors, AI clothing designers.
Judging from the way the O is wearing the Santa hat [correctly], the Turkish manufacturer designed an orgasm Christmas towel.
December 18, 2025 at 1:29 AM
Judging from the way the O is wearing the Santa hat [correctly], the Turkish manufacturer designed an orgasm Christmas towel.
Please, can someone convince Trump to wear his FIFA necklace tonight at his speech?
December 17, 2025 at 10:44 PM
Please, can someone convince Trump to wear his FIFA necklace tonight at his speech?
“You’re not seriously going to take me outside are you?”
December 5, 2025 at 8:29 PM
“You’re not seriously going to take me outside are you?”
As we enter the final stretch of Christmas shopping, please remember to observe the 2 doll limit.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...
We Oppose Income Caps on the Ultra-Wealthy, but We’re Totally in Favor of Limiting the Number of Dolls per Household
“Trump, who has argued that China will bear the brunt of his tariffs, acknowledged during a Cabinet meeting on April 30 that the duties may mean fe...
www.mcsweeneys.net
December 4, 2025 at 11:19 PM
As we enter the final stretch of Christmas shopping, please remember to observe the 2 doll limit.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/we-...
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
“But the second he encounters someone with spine, someone with moral clarity, someone unmoved by bluster, he folds. He wilts. He sits there like a dog brought instantly to heel, panting for approval from the very man he swore he would obliterate.”
open.substack.com/pub/jojofrom...
open.substack.com/pub/jojofrom...
The Day Donald Trump Turned Into Mamdani’s Beta
A study in one man standing tall and another crumpling like a cellophane sack of half congealed bacon fat.
open.substack.com
November 23, 2025 at 2:12 AM
“But the second he encounters someone with spine, someone with moral clarity, someone unmoved by bluster, he folds. He wilts. He sits there like a dog brought instantly to heel, panting for approval from the very man he swore he would obliterate.”
open.substack.com/pub/jojofrom...
open.substack.com/pub/jojofrom...
How did we go from the war on terror to the war on landscapers? It's truly stupid and cruel.
November 21, 2025 at 3:45 PM
How did we go from the war on terror to the war on landscapers? It's truly stupid and cruel.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Is Piggy referring to his attempted coup on January 6th?
November 20, 2025 at 7:34 PM
Is Piggy referring to his attempted coup on January 6th?
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Trump has clearly manifested himself as human garbage every hour of every day for 10 years. So while, yes, it's gratifying that more people seem to be finally noticing, a little, maybe, two questions come to mind:
1. What the fuck took you so long?
2. What are you going to do about it now?
1. What the fuck took you so long?
2. What are you going to do about it now?
November 19, 2025 at 3:43 AM
Trump has clearly manifested himself as human garbage every hour of every day for 10 years. So while, yes, it's gratifying that more people seem to be finally noticing, a little, maybe, two questions come to mind:
1. What the fuck took you so long?
2. What are you going to do about it now?
1. What the fuck took you so long?
2. What are you going to do about it now?
It's too bad Walter Cronkite isn't around to report on this Trump & Bubba business.
November 15, 2025 at 2:15 AM
It's too bad Walter Cronkite isn't around to report on this Trump & Bubba business.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
When you meet the pope of Chicago don’t ask if he knows the blues brothers dance, he knows the blues brothers dance ok? he knows
Be respectful. Do the Elwood part so he can do the Jake part.
Be respectful. Do the Elwood part so he can do the Jake part.
November 13, 2025 at 9:40 AM
When you meet the pope of Chicago don’t ask if he knows the blues brothers dance, he knows the blues brothers dance ok? he knows
Be respectful. Do the Elwood part so he can do the Jake part.
Be respectful. Do the Elwood part so he can do the Jake part.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Is it ironic that a group named ICE is high tailing it out of the city when temperatures drop to the 30s and a little snow falls?
See you in March, fuckheads.
See you in March, fuckheads.
November 12, 2025 at 3:11 PM
Is it ironic that a group named ICE is high tailing it out of the city when temperatures drop to the 30s and a little snow falls?
See you in March, fuckheads.
See you in March, fuckheads.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Wait, new idea, game changer: 52-year mortgages.
November 11, 2025 at 11:36 AM
Wait, new idea, game changer: 52-year mortgages.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
As pleased as Democrats are about Tuesday, we have to realize: this prompts Trump to re-double his already obvious efforts to steal the 2026 election. Let's not spike the ball until we're in the end zone.
November 6, 2025 at 9:34 PM
As pleased as Democrats are about Tuesday, we have to realize: this prompts Trump to re-double his already obvious efforts to steal the 2026 election. Let's not spike the ball until we're in the end zone.
I'm sure there are people who can be dissatisfied by their dirt purchase. I would like to meet them.
"This bag of dirt contained sticks, candy wrappers, and dead frogs. Never buying again!"
"This bag of dirt contained sticks, candy wrappers, and dead frogs. Never buying again!"
October 30, 2025 at 2:28 AM
I'm sure there are people who can be dissatisfied by their dirt purchase. I would like to meet them.
"This bag of dirt contained sticks, candy wrappers, and dead frogs. Never buying again!"
"This bag of dirt contained sticks, candy wrappers, and dead frogs. Never buying again!"
Went Ape at Nightmare on Chicago Street last night.
October 26, 2025 at 6:22 PM
Went Ape at Nightmare on Chicago Street last night.
"You're not in a hole. That's a footprint!" King Kong (1976)
October 25, 2025 at 4:55 PM
"You're not in a hole. That's a footprint!" King Kong (1976)
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
You can tell Trump dumped feces on liberals in that video because if it was MAGA they would’ve had their mouths open begging for more.
October 20, 2025 at 6:22 PM
You can tell Trump dumped feces on liberals in that video because if it was MAGA they would’ve had their mouths open begging for more.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Young Republicans
October 17, 2025 at 7:04 PM
Young Republicans
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
Trump is sending the military into various cities as practice, so the troops will be ready when he holds his second coup and refuses to yield power after his term is up. Or when he scuttles the 2026 elections. The rest is just noise and distraction.
October 17, 2025 at 1:36 PM
Trump is sending the military into various cities as practice, so the troops will be ready when he holds his second coup and refuses to yield power after his term is up. Or when he scuttles the 2026 elections. The rest is just noise and distraction.
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
IT’S NOT LIKE WE’RE GOING TO FORGET.
Pritzker: "Stephen Miller is clearly ordering people to break the law. So he should know that yeah, it may be three years from now that he is held accountable, but I think it's important for them to know that whatever they do now, it's not like we're going to forget."
October 17, 2025 at 2:09 AM
IT’S NOT LIKE WE’RE GOING TO FORGET.
But what if I murder my thirst and it comes back?
October 17, 2025 at 3:30 AM
But what if I murder my thirst and it comes back?
Reposted by John Howard Matthews
FUCK ICE
I'm at the scene where ICE abducted multiple people from Lincoln and Foster this morning.
A WGN producer was among the people taken, allegedly because she was among a group of bystanders who tried to intervene. ICE agents hit this car while making their getaway.
A WGN producer was among the people taken, allegedly because she was among a group of bystanders who tried to intervene. ICE agents hit this car while making their getaway.
October 10, 2025 at 2:58 PM
FUCK ICE
Later today:
October 10, 2025 at 1:18 PM
Later today:
I’ve had this cheap clock since 1987 and it still works fine. Even the pendulum swings on a fully charged battery. Honestly it scares me a little.
October 10, 2025 at 3:04 AM
I’ve had this cheap clock since 1987 and it still works fine. Even the pendulum swings on a fully charged battery. Honestly it scares me a little.