Joseph C. Simmons
@josephcsimmons.substack.com
Was a humor writer, became a comedian, then decided to stare at a glowing rectangle all day and accomplish nothing
https://josephcsimmons.substack.com/
https://josephcsimmons.substack.com/
Terrible weekend for tragedy. Brown University students killed. Rob Reiner and his wife found dead. Donald Trump found alive.
December 15, 2025 at 3:36 PM
Terrible weekend for tragedy. Brown University students killed. Rob Reiner and his wife found dead. Donald Trump found alive.
Glad to know that if any of my MAGA friends’ wives, mothers or daughters start to annoy me I can simply say “Quiet, Piggy” and they’ll all be okay with it.
November 21, 2025 at 4:52 PM
Glad to know that if any of my MAGA friends’ wives, mothers or daughters start to annoy me I can simply say “Quiet, Piggy” and they’ll all be okay with it.
“I wish it was actually that big.”
~Melania Trump watching South Park
~Melania Trump watching South Park
August 25, 2025 at 6:31 PM
“I wish it was actually that big.”
~Melania Trump watching South Park
~Melania Trump watching South Park
ME: ICE shouldn't be doing this to immigrants!
MAGA: Then YOU keep them in YOUR house.
ME: They weren't homeless, you idiot. You're confusing your hates again.
MAGA: Then YOU keep them in YOUR house.
ME: They weren't homeless, you idiot. You're confusing your hates again.
August 19, 2025 at 11:09 PM
ME: ICE shouldn't be doing this to immigrants!
MAGA: Then YOU keep them in YOUR house.
ME: They weren't homeless, you idiot. You're confusing your hates again.
MAGA: Then YOU keep them in YOUR house.
ME: They weren't homeless, you idiot. You're confusing your hates again.
The Vatican, using their top secret selection method, has decided on a new pope. They'll come outside and announce the winner as soon as they clean up all the tubs and Jello, and put their robes back on.
May 8, 2025 at 5:31 PM
The Vatican, using their top secret selection method, has decided on a new pope. They'll come outside and announce the winner as soon as they clean up all the tubs and Jello, and put their robes back on.
Hey everyone! I kind of live in my own head, and this piece proves. At least I love my daughters. Please come check it out:
josephcsimmons.substack.com/p/fatherly-l...
josephcsimmons.substack.com/p/fatherly-l...
Fatherly Love, Marriage, and a Lack of Sanity
How I Survived the Most Stressful Conversation That Never Actually Happened
josephcsimmons.substack.com
February 10, 2025 at 5:13 PM
Hey everyone! I kind of live in my own head, and this piece proves. At least I love my daughters. Please come check it out:
josephcsimmons.substack.com/p/fatherly-l...
josephcsimmons.substack.com/p/fatherly-l...
Oh, cool, Idiocracy just started
January 20, 2025 at 9:18 PM
Oh, cool, Idiocracy just started
I'm proud and happy to welcome you to Bluesky, my app. Yes, this is my app. I mean, I don't have any paperwork to support that, and, uh, I didn't build it or anything. It's just mine.
So welcome! Please wash your hands before using this place.
So welcome! Please wash your hands before using this place.
January 20, 2025 at 4:42 PM
I'm proud and happy to welcome you to Bluesky, my app. Yes, this is my app. I mean, I don't have any paperwork to support that, and, uh, I didn't build it or anything. It's just mine.
So welcome! Please wash your hands before using this place.
So welcome! Please wash your hands before using this place.
Please stop by my Substack and check out how a robot shows me love. (Not that way you perv)
The Robot Dog That Gave Me Hope
How a High-Tech Gift Reminded Me of My Place in the Family
open.substack.com
January 4, 2025 at 3:15 PM
Please stop by my Substack and check out how a robot shows me love. (Not that way you perv)
It’s been a minute, but please check out my latest and I’ll love you forever
open.substack.com/pub/josephcs...
open.substack.com/pub/josephcs...
The Shark in the Elevator
How a Hat and a Shark Suit Gave Me a Needed Shot in the Arm
open.substack.com
December 12, 2024 at 12:19 AM
It’s been a minute, but please check out my latest and I’ll love you forever
open.substack.com/pub/josephcs...
open.substack.com/pub/josephcs...
I’ve said in the past that I never post memes, but I make an exception when I’m the one that created it.
December 6, 2024 at 7:44 PM
I’ve said in the past that I never post memes, but I make an exception when I’m the one that created it.
My gorgeous wife and I. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving! My blood type is gravy
November 29, 2024 at 11:04 PM
My gorgeous wife and I. Hope you had a great Thanksgiving! My blood type is gravy
Meet Sasha and Norah, simultaneously the sources of my greatest joy and my biggest worry about the future. Also they go to timeout a lot.
November 27, 2024 at 12:27 PM
Meet Sasha and Norah, simultaneously the sources of my greatest joy and my biggest worry about the future. Also they go to timeout a lot.
Hey everyone! Now that I have an incredibly massive following here on Bluesky, I need some help monetizing it so I can become a trillionaire and bend the government to my will. I appreciate any advice. Thanks!
November 25, 2024 at 2:12 PM
Hey everyone! Now that I have an incredibly massive following here on Bluesky, I need some help monetizing it so I can become a trillionaire and bend the government to my will. I appreciate any advice. Thanks!
Hey, all, please check out my latest about being an introvert in hiding. Also, I apologize in advance to my conservative friends for the random stray near the end.
open.substack.com/pub/josephcs...
open.substack.com/pub/josephcs...
From Bounce Houses to Body Autonomy
How I Survived a School Event and Found a Kindred Spirit
open.substack.com
November 20, 2024 at 11:45 PM
Hey, all, please check out my latest about being an introvert in hiding. Also, I apologize in advance to my conservative friends for the random stray near the end.
open.substack.com/pub/josephcs...
open.substack.com/pub/josephcs...
Hey, so that thing that America voted for, is it pronounced “fah-shism” or “faw-shism”?
November 16, 2024 at 3:01 PM
Hey, so that thing that America voted for, is it pronounced “fah-shism” or “faw-shism”?
Hey did you know I’m a world famous humor writer with followers all over the globe? I mean, there’s probably only 500 of them, but as far as I know they all live on this globe. Anyway, please check out my latest humor piece here: open.substack.com/pub/josephcs...
Chest of Drawers, Hearts of Heroes: A Weekend Adventure
How a Quick Thinking Seller Made Both Our Wives Happy
open.substack.com
October 24, 2024 at 3:18 PM
Hey did you know I’m a world famous humor writer with followers all over the globe? I mean, there’s probably only 500 of them, but as far as I know they all live on this globe. Anyway, please check out my latest humor piece here: open.substack.com/pub/josephcs...
Please check out my latest humor essay. I swear I’ll make it up to you somehow.
The Old Dad's Guide to Florida Theme Parks
HINT: Bring Your Wallet and Comfortable Shoes
josephcsimmons.substack.com
August 14, 2024 at 11:53 AM
Please check out my latest humor essay. I swear I’ll make it up to you somehow.
I think I'm going to list something for sale on Facebook Marketplace, ignore all my DMs for like two weeks, then reply to all the inquiries "Yes it's still available are you interested?" then ignore them all again.
July 8, 2024 at 12:39 PM
I think I'm going to list something for sale on Facebook Marketplace, ignore all my DMs for like two weeks, then reply to all the inquiries "Yes it's still available are you interested?" then ignore them all again.
I knew there was a reason we said kickers were to be seen and not heard
May 16, 2024 at 2:59 PM
I knew there was a reason we said kickers were to be seen and not heard
This is Deric Cahill, who has like 1.5 million followers on TikTok and is selling out comedy shows throughout the country. But fuck him, he doesn’t have 15 followers on Bluesky. I’m opening for him tonight in Portland OR
May 11, 2024 at 6:55 PM
This is Deric Cahill, who has like 1.5 million followers on TikTok and is selling out comedy shows throughout the country. But fuck him, he doesn’t have 15 followers on Bluesky. I’m opening for him tonight in Portland OR