Keith Graber
@keithdgraber.bsky.social
I’m not saying there’s a conflict of interest. But I can’t help but notice that the more fucked up I am, the more hours my therapist can bill for.
August 3, 2023 at 10:17 PM
I’m not saying there’s a conflict of interest. But I can’t help but notice that the more fucked up I am, the more hours my therapist can bill for.
I left an avocado in my car for three days, and now it’s perfectly ripened.
#LifeHack
#LifeHack
August 3, 2023 at 9:16 PM
I left an avocado in my car for three days, and now it’s perfectly ripened.
#LifeHack
#LifeHack
Headphones are like condoms. You have to use them because of all the other people who won’t.
August 3, 2023 at 8:15 PM
Headphones are like condoms. You have to use them because of all the other people who won’t.
I guess I must be horny because I just got excited thinking about the curvature of the Earth.
July 31, 2023 at 7:06 PM
I guess I must be horny because I just got excited thinking about the curvature of the Earth.
Flat Earthers are probably into flat asses too.
July 31, 2023 at 7:05 PM
Flat Earthers are probably into flat asses too.
Goddammit. Turns out, death is the magic word today. Scream real loud…
July 31, 2023 at 5:41 PM
Goddammit. Turns out, death is the magic word today. Scream real loud…
AI is going to take our jobs?!
Can I be first?
Can I be first?
July 31, 2023 at 5:28 AM
AI is going to take our jobs?!
Can I be first?
Can I be first?
I love wine. I drink red for the antioxidants, and white for the heartburn.
July 31, 2023 at 5:05 AM
I love wine. I drink red for the antioxidants, and white for the heartburn.
I love wine. I drink red for the antioxidants, and white for the heartburn.
July 31, 2023 at 4:25 AM
I love wine. I drink red for the antioxidants, and white for the heartburn.
You can tell moving is stressful because it causes everybody to add apostrophes to plurals.
July 31, 2023 at 2:22 AM
You can tell moving is stressful because it causes everybody to add apostrophes to plurals.
I think people should be able to drink whatever they want… except grown men with tequila sunrises.
July 31, 2023 at 2:20 AM
I think people should be able to drink whatever they want… except grown men with tequila sunrises.
I can’t wait till we find out that the aliens are also super racist.
July 30, 2023 at 11:37 PM
I can’t wait till we find out that the aliens are also super racist.
Supermarkets need to just admit that they don’t want you to find the Q-tips.
July 30, 2023 at 11:35 PM
Supermarkets need to just admit that they don’t want you to find the Q-tips.
I swear to god, I thought I was getting a phone call but it was the In-N-Out I had last night.
July 30, 2023 at 5:30 PM
I swear to god, I thought I was getting a phone call but it was the In-N-Out I had last night.
I’m working on my new children’s book for Florida: Curious George and the Benefits of Slavery.
July 27, 2023 at 3:28 PM
I’m working on my new children’s book for Florida: Curious George and the Benefits of Slavery.
When I work out, I do it the RIGHT way: sweating in an air conditioned room that I drive to instead of walk, and using machines powered by anything other than me.
July 26, 2023 at 1:28 AM
When I work out, I do it the RIGHT way: sweating in an air conditioned room that I drive to instead of walk, and using machines powered by anything other than me.
Shouldn’t they only be allowed to hold the World Cup trophy with their feet?
July 25, 2023 at 5:05 PM
Shouldn’t they only be allowed to hold the World Cup trophy with their feet?
I like to tell kids they look good for their age, just to take some of my power back.
July 25, 2023 at 2:35 AM
I like to tell kids they look good for their age, just to take some of my power back.
I’ve been smoking my own weed so I can get a contactless high.
July 24, 2023 at 9:43 PM
I’ve been smoking my own weed so I can get a contactless high.
I feel bad for the guy who invented the turn signal. Dude probably missed his kids’ birthdays working on that thing, and you lazy fuckers refuse to use it.
July 23, 2023 at 7:51 PM
I feel bad for the guy who invented the turn signal. Dude probably missed his kids’ birthdays working on that thing, and you lazy fuckers refuse to use it.
I don’t know what the exact age limit is for riding a bike on the sidewalk, but I’m pretty sure having a mustache disqualifies you.
July 22, 2023 at 8:40 PM
I don’t know what the exact age limit is for riding a bike on the sidewalk, but I’m pretty sure having a mustache disqualifies you.
Trader Joe’s cashiers are always way more invested in my future than I am.
July 21, 2023 at 9:05 PM
Trader Joe’s cashiers are always way more invested in my future than I am.
All cars should work like fans. You should go from park to 90 mph instantly and then fumble with the knob to lower it down to 20.
July 20, 2023 at 7:02 PM
All cars should work like fans. You should go from park to 90 mph instantly and then fumble with the knob to lower it down to 20.
“Hi, in order to release your prescription, we have to confirm your identity. Can you please give me your date of birth… that you have to shout out loud in front of 20 strangers every time you’re here.”
July 20, 2023 at 7:00 PM
“Hi, in order to release your prescription, we have to confirm your identity. Can you please give me your date of birth… that you have to shout out loud in front of 20 strangers every time you’re here.”
My timing is so off today. I tried to cover up a fart with a cough, and now everyone hates me for two reasons.
July 20, 2023 at 2:52 AM
My timing is so off today. I tried to cover up a fart with a cough, and now everyone hates me for two reasons.