I can tell I'm aging out of Hollywood's target demographic because i just saw a movie in the theater that I had no idea had Devon Sawa in it until he appeared on screen

... but when I have an unconditional discharge it's disgusting and I should cover the wound? Double standard

Chicago may be cold, but it only caught on fire that one time

How old were you when you found out Santana wasn't real?

Working entertainment at a corporate holiday party and this Diet Coke they gave me expired in August so I think layoffs are coming

I almost got into an altercation with somebody in an inflatable Pikachu mascot costume at a Korean grocery store and the thing that upsets me the most is he should know that's not his territory.

United Healthcare has proven once again that most meetings really should just be an email

I don't know who needs to hear this but caring about whether or not other people consider Die Hard a Christmas movie is not a personality

My Uber driver is commenting on a TikTok live right now. Tell your mom i love her.

Excuse me, miss, is this pussy locally sourced?

Now that all the major sports are accepting advertising money from gambling sites, they need to put disclaimers at the start of the game about how the players don't give a shit about your parlay

We can't talk about the evils of colonization without talking about how the biggest driver has always been organized religion. When I was a teenager, there was a wave of Christian metal bands. Do you know how entiteled to conquest you have to be to colonize the devil's music?

We love George Carlin so much that we went against his daughter's very clear wishes and made this AI special of him. We know that if he was with us today, he'd absolutely hate this but he's not so what are you gonna do about it, dead boy?

When you're reading through the Epstein list and see your fav

Please, call me Johnny, Mr Sins is my father