In my Tony Soprano era: fat and having panic attacks.

One GOOD thing about social media is that it’s never been easier to see people who were mean to me - looking terrible, and doing poorly.

Imagine if you’d only ever been to IKEA to shop for furniture. You’d go into another furniture store and be like “I wonder what their meatballs are like” anyways

It’s funny if you say you support public libraries that everyone knows exactly what candidate you voted for

I like to think I am early enough to Bluesky (first 22 Million, baby!) that I am probably in the top 10% of being funny

I can’t ever keep it straight. Does being bisexual mean you’re twice as sexual or once every other sexual

I like to joke with my co-workers that having a cat is like having a child. But it’s not. Not at all.
I’ve never completely stopped talking to someone when they got a puppy or kitten.

I can't have milk, and I still want to eat cereal so I end up eating cereal dry. It's fun. it's like kibble for boys and girls except sweet.

I have a friend who has washboard abs. He also has pot-and-pan arms. Roller-skate feet. A microwave head. Sadly, he will never know love.

If you think about it, it may be impossible to tell if a sloth is clapping sincerely

I hate introducing myself to people. I’m like “hi my name is David, fuck, I am oversharing again”