like every time i have to hear or see these people gassing themselves up it gives me a headache

i don't know about other people, but i'm for it

i do find mishima interesting as a figure because the fact that he was a japanese ultranationalist existed in symbiosis with how he was also a kind of pathetic, closeted artist. i've been on the lookout for his books in shops but i've only found one so far (life for sale lol)

plus i like to "know my enemies", so to speak. even though doing that doesn't seem to grant me much leverage, at the end of the day

and by "interesting" i don't mean that i have any positive feelings about the intellectual products of these people, i mean "interesting" more in the same way that people find morbid topics like true crime or war interesting

not really sure what i'm gaining out of it. i guess from a distance, i'm able to find this stuff interesting to observe from a socio-historical and psychological perspective. although it just straight up sucks when it's all too close to home

look right back at a cat that has big, stupid eyes and you'll understand

and maybe it's ridiculous to talk about how i keep getting fucked over, especially at my age, but just take my word for it

i think about the negatives in life too much, but i inherited a lot of messy bullshit from the start and i'm still stuck in it despite whatever plans i had and work i've tried to put in to do better. it's made it harder and harder to keep caring, each year

it's sooooo badass that you're looking into a mirror that you moved in front of your face and going "this changes everything" every time you reposition your face. fuck off

or learned to know me. idk. it did something to me. it rewired me to realize that i was tripping about whatever shit i was doing before