I do treasure my friends throughout all this. Both irl and online. They're kinder to me than I am to myself, and sometimes we need that.

I envy a lot of people around me that seemingly are able to live a lot more shamelessly, self-assuredly, or just.... not giving a fuck. I get bogged down by both personal pride and shame and feelings of worthiness.

Everything that I've yet to face and have set out to do is entirely achievable, if I'm able to keep morale and keep working on self-improvement. But man, it's tough.

There's also a kind of embarrassment to returning to job search not with your head held high, but hung low.

I guess the main thing is that this feels like some deep personal failure, and a part of a larger pattern of continuous behavior that I struggle with.

and ever since a friend pointed out a thing I said in passing during raid, "damn, those reasons to live keep piling up. guess I gotta keep going," it's been a nice thought to think back to

Good enough can be /good enough/, the best you could've done was the best you could do. Like, sure, it's more nuanced that that, but so many people I know, myself included, get so stuck in the what I could've done or could've been doing.

But also talked in therapy how I AM trying to cut myself more slack. How, for as funny as the joke, "god had to nerf me, or I'd have been too powerful," is, it still feeds into the damaging idea that there's some hidden potential in me that I could reach, if I wasn't xyz and did xyz more.

also just, extra stress I didn't need hhjdfhg

still, I gotta haul ass out of the house on Thursday, and I've still got schoolwork I gotta finish by Sat. That's 3 hours I could've been studying flushed down the transit toilet.

ok apparently my other co-worker also got an inv, glad I asked. Still kinda sus.

Thank you for reading this far, if you did.

There's no reason to kill myself over this, by potentially ruining both my physical and mental health, and putting my job in an even more precarious position.

I feel a bit like a loser for not being able to effectively combine work and school, BUT I'm also trying to do this thing where I'm trying not to force myself to do things above my capabilities.

I will keep up the rest of my classes for this and the next semester as is, but I'll have more time to think on what I wanna do for my thesis, as well as get to link up with more profs before I make a decision.

I'd have to pay for an extra semester next year, BUT I'd have to only take Industrial Psychology in autumn, and then defend my thesis next spring.

Essentially, they didn't get back to me immediately, because they didn't have anything on hand they could offer me next semester that's equivalent.

But, since they noticed I haven't handed it my bachelor thesis subject (ha...), they offered me to extend my studies by one semester.

I swear all my issues wouldn't be such big issues if I wouldn't overthink and overworry, which makes doing anything such a monumental task, I feel like Sisyphus with ankle weights.