I’m back from a brief social media detox. Just drinking broth for now and then I’ll gradually reintroduce investment scams
July 26, 2025 at 4:26 AM
I’m back from a brief social media detox. Just drinking broth for now and then I’ll gradually reintroduce investment scams
Oh my goddd I completely forgot to go to space yesterday
April 16, 2025 at 4:41 AM
Oh my goddd I completely forgot to go to space yesterday
Let’s keep TikTok but ban lip syncing
April 8, 2025 at 10:57 PM
Let’s keep TikTok but ban lip syncing
I just checked Jeff Bezos’ wedding registry and it’s all stuff from Flipkart
March 24, 2025 at 12:46 AM
I just checked Jeff Bezos’ wedding registry and it’s all stuff from Flipkart
My neckline today is plunging lower than Tesla
March 19, 2025 at 3:53 AM
My neckline today is plunging lower than Tesla
One way to spot a psychopath is if they’re selling cheesecake on Facebook Marketplace
March 14, 2025 at 4:52 AM
One way to spot a psychopath is if they’re selling cheesecake on Facebook Marketplace
It feels weird to be this economic blackout drunk so early in the day
February 28, 2025 at 10:24 PM
It feels weird to be this economic blackout drunk so early in the day
Where God closes a Joann Fabrics, somewhere he opens an experiential retail space for Meta to collaborate with Ray-Ban
February 28, 2025 at 4:31 AM
Where God closes a Joann Fabrics, somewhere he opens an experiential retail space for Meta to collaborate with Ray-Ban
Robots are definitely taking our jobs. My pizza was just delivered by a glambot
February 24, 2025 at 11:35 PM
Robots are definitely taking our jobs. My pizza was just delivered by a glambot
I just invented a facelift where threads are inserted under the skin and then attached to an overhead drone
February 22, 2025 at 12:17 AM
I just invented a facelift where threads are inserted under the skin and then attached to an overhead drone
All is well- just witnessed the person who’s been giving me advice for the last ten years eat their own ear wax
February 15, 2025 at 7:11 PM
All is well- just witnessed the person who’s been giving me advice for the last ten years eat their own ear wax
My barista drew a heart on my coffee cup, and I guess my one question is…how did they get into my house?
February 7, 2025 at 10:08 PM
My barista drew a heart on my coffee cup, and I guess my one question is…how did they get into my house?
I need to throw my gum away but I can’t find a nearby Cybertruck
February 7, 2025 at 12:15 AM
I need to throw my gum away but I can’t find a nearby Cybertruck
It’s the Year of the Wood Snake! Or the Year of the Particle Board Snake, depending on your budget
January 29, 2025 at 8:39 PM
It’s the Year of the Wood Snake! Or the Year of the Particle Board Snake, depending on your budget
Can't wait for the end of Dry January- it's gonna feel so good to take a shower
January 17, 2025 at 11:21 PM
Can't wait for the end of Dry January- it's gonna feel so good to take a shower
Party City is closing down?? I'm going to the Party City Council meeting to protest
December 21, 2024 at 12:09 AM
Party City is closing down?? I'm going to the Party City Council meeting to protest
As directed, I store my garlic in a “cool, dark place”- an abandoned hospital in Saint Petersburg
December 20, 2024 at 7:11 AM
As directed, I store my garlic in a “cool, dark place”- an abandoned hospital in Saint Petersburg
Thank god I found this recipe for Foolproof Fudge- I normally have to leave town after being publicly humiliated by it
December 16, 2024 at 1:29 AM
Thank god I found this recipe for Foolproof Fudge- I normally have to leave town after being publicly humiliated by it
It wasn’t easy unsubscribing from emails from Kamala Harris but I need to make room in my life for bigger things like emails from Zappos
November 25, 2024 at 8:23 AM
It wasn’t easy unsubscribing from emails from Kamala Harris but I need to make room in my life for bigger things like emails from Zappos
You know they’re cheating when they come home smelling like Threads
November 22, 2024 at 8:01 PM
You know they’re cheating when they come home smelling like Threads