It's not a unique feeling to be sad or nostalgic for a moment that once was. As I get older, the more I come to appreciate each changing moment. I am still me and still spend plenty of time missing parts of the past and different versions of myself. I've had to learn how to find a balance of honoring those who are no longer with us, but at the same time not let it consume me.

This month, I've spent a lot of time thinking about how much can change in a year. This time last year, I was going through a huge depressive episode that would end up lasting months. Most of the fall season which lead into winter and spring. That girl would never have guessed how her life would change. I feel like I've lived multiple lives since last September.

Much of life is about embracing the good while honoring the bad. I've spent most of my life looking for the good even from the bad. Although I wouldn't wish my life and experiences on anyone else, I know I wouldn't be the person I am if they hadn't happened. The past month has been a special mix of happiness and grieving.

Earlier this month, I got the news that one of my closest friends of eighteen years, Stevie, passed away. The most unreal thing I have ever felt. This was the first human death where I immediately started crying. I was just getting off my lunch break when I got the news, to which I then messaged work saying I needed the rest of the afternoon off.

I used to watch my aunt cry at almost anything she watched. I would think, "How are you crying at this right now?" Then I got older and started crying at things. I'm still rewatching Criminal Minds. Aside from the newer episodes I had told myself I wouldn't rewatch this show until I got a dog. Then I discovered owning a dog is not for me, at least at this time.

If you know me then you know I have my comfort shows I've been watching for years. Lately, I'm in a place where I watch them and now end up getting emotional and experiencing less comfort. Me crying at just about anything contributes to it. I don't know if it's because as time goes on the older they feel. The time they were created is feeling farther away as time goes on.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the people who make me who I am for better and worse. The older I get the more I feel like I look like my momma. However, I am very much my father's daughter. As someone who essentially lost both of her parents at the age of ten, I try to grasp and honor what I feel is right.

As easy as it is to stress about just anything, trust me I'm the queen, it's kinda cool to know that everything will work out. Believing what is meant to be is meant to be. I am reminded when I catch myself seeing random parts of life that connect. The moments when you think, "Wow, it's a small world." Or the moments where something from the past comes up in the present in the smallest or most random way.

This might be one of my late-night posts since I can't sleep because I need to process my feelings. If you've been around, you know these tend to happen less these days. Then again, it's kind of fitting for how I've been feeling lately.  Deep down I believe people are where they are for a reason. This time of year is when I feel it the most and I am aware of that but I don't know how much longer I'll be able to handle being where I am.

I never know what my trips back home to Maryland will look like. This trip was full of emotions. My emotions were heightened since I started the visit with my engine light (the serious turn off your car one) coming on minutes away from my cousin's in Baltimore late at night. I hit some serious snow and believe driving in the moisture for two hours messed up some sensors.

I don't tend to have a lot of anger inside me, and I'm grateful for that, given everything. It's knowing things about places and people that people like to ignore. They see what I see from a different perspective. People will have different perspectives because each person's life experience is theirs. That's okay. I've spent most of my life keeping controversial things to myself…