What the actual FUCK is the fucking SOLUTION to this other than no contact?

I’ve tried to get her to therapy for so long. My dad is brainwashed.
My brother probably falls in the same boat.

There is nothing I can do. I can’t see the solution, if you do dearest listener… please. Tell me.

What’s the alternative?
I almost took a 400€ uber back home last year for her birthday.

Things are bad. There is no winning from my point of view.

I either erase myself, keep myself small to be palatable for her and feel horrible. Or I put up my boundaries and start a fight and feel horrible.

Kinda funny that potential war is pushed to the back burner to consider the moral implications and the pattern of abuse in this relationship.

It’s hard to break out of patterns.

I had a friend tell me once that I do still jump into that child role when with my mother. I’ve been thinking about it.

Intent does not matter when the outcome was hurt.

Hurt should be taken accountability for and fixed. Not…. Whatever the fuck we have going on.

I was not expecting this message to do anything. I really didn’t.

But it still hurt to see her ignore it and send a birthday invite the next day knowing full well that I’m not in the country.

Tbh I tentatively told some people a superficial bit about things and… it didn’t go over well.

I feel like I brought a turd to dinner that nobody wanted to deal with.

Subject got changed quickly.
Maybe it’s because of the bombing aspects.

And it’s so silly that I don’t really noticed that the majority of people there are guys. Literally one girl almost a bunch of (mostly gay) dudes.

It when I see the photos that I realize there’s no girls brushing their teeth with me.

Brushing your teeth, with the boys!
Releasing an ancient potentially malicious mushroom entity on your world, with the boys!
Getting drunk and dancing, with the boys!
Cleaning up the cabin, with the boys!

Something about being surrounded by men and having sleepovers and good wholesome fun, no creepy predatory stuff or being seen as a slut, just a fun silly time with the boys!

It feels like it’s healing to a younger version of me that was discouraged from spending too much time with boys

Make art and try again for tomororw in an hour

I’m making excuses for her.
But I also see how shes different now, probably because she realised that I made good with my threats of running away and cutting them off.

I internalised the need to make excuses for people. Because somehow things are always my fault anyways.

Have you ever heard about riot dogs? It’s an interesting phenomenon imho www.avinjo.org/riot-dogs/

She’s been kinda better about it; more physically and verbally affectionate but my nervous system doesn’t recognise it.

I flinch for the pain or I get defensive waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Age has mellowed her out, time has made me numb, but the body keeps the score.

My sister and mom have been speaking and I joined from the dark and didn’t say much.

I kept it neutral and said what was necessary.

Grey rock.
She can’t be mad at me for grey rocking.

Urgh. I want to fucking cry.
I wished my mom could just love me like other mothers love their children.

It was a picture invitation to her birthday party at the movies today.

Idk what to think since this was either a mass text to the family (idk shes not one to celebrate with others?)

Or a reminder that it’s her birthday and it’s not a time to fight.

I just got off a super awkward video call

For instance, this albatross (and goose!) Met me when I wasn’t necessarily interested in them and treated them kindly and regularly. They saw me grumpy morning, brush my teeth.

The crush that developed later doesn’t undo my morning impression or tired and hungry tantrum.

#AcidsDatingAdventures

There was no public outdoor toilet available to poop in peace and anonymity.

This will be mentioned in the Google reviews

The way I read the image thinking it was a headline from the ICE situation, only to see it’s from Anne Frank 😰

I called him hot last night when I did his make up.

He told me I’d make a great DM because I’m “kind, caring and considerate of others and what they want” this morning.

#AcidsDatingAdventures