What if Noah was just a dude who saved his neighbors cat from a flood, and embellished this story every time he told it?

“Yeah I saved the neighbor’s cat”
“Well yeah, remember when I saved the whole neighborhood?”
“I saved all of the animals ever from a great storm”

2000 years from now, the next civilization, parsing through the wreckage of supercomputers: “Sir, we believe this so-called “tweet archive” may be a religious text? They worshipped a god called ‘Horse Ebooks’ and He gave prophecy several times an hour….”

Technology has finally advanced to a point of no return. We will not be able to atone for what we have put into the world.

We must answer for the gummy lunchables

I’m so grateful that social media was not around in my middle school era, to spare the world of my Lord of the Rings “parody script” era

So grateful, in fact, that I am absolutely sharing some now

What kind of person does Amazon think you are? I’ll start:

“I miss the old Twitter”
The old Twitter:

Idk what everyone’s talking about, I think the Cybertruck™️ looks pretty neat

To be honest I don't know why I shoot so many guns at the Moon I love the Moon

Tell me where you’re from with a food pic

To be a fly on the wall in the board meeting that thought this was a good idea

“Remember when Tim broke his leg in fifth grade? That shit was hard”

How my throat feels rn

Hope the sporadic power outages thaw Walt out just enough to let him hear this

Maybe make him watch “Treasure Planet,” while he’s up

I think I have COVID again