so much more than time has been lost

i feel okay today :3 i really am thinking i have bpd. when i feel depressed, it’s all consuming, like my mind can’t think of anything but despair

hate my dumb gay life

eating corn nuts

feeling normal rn and regretting buying the razors :c but i know i’ll probably be grateful by the time they’re here

god typing this all out is so fucking cathartic bless my chungus life

i’m so fucking stupid

i hate myself i hate myself i hate myself

feeling really bad about my relationship. don’t want to stay with someone when my mental health is so atrocious. i don’t want to see you cry anymore when i tell you i want to hurt myself. i can’t keep making you feel this way. fuck

i’m scared you’re going to find out how broken i really am. that my flaws are more than skin deep, that they run all the way down to my bones with jagged and ugly cracks

my thoughts and actions are getting more and more erratic everyday and i’m freaking myself the fuck out. i’m losing a grasp on myself and i’m acting in ways and saying things that don’t feel like me anymore

thw coffee is making me anxious so i brewed another cup

god all the things i would tell you. but the words live on my tongue and die on my lips

i think i’ve run out of gas and i’m driving nowhere, driving nowhere fast. i yearn for the crash when my head splits open on the dash and my brain and gore come out of my gooey gash dripping nowhere, dripping nowhere fast

what a sad, sad boy

and i’m gnawing gnawing gnawing on my wet bones and soft marrow

thinking about the way pain can make the mind/body transform and steer towards enlightenment. like, what can/could i learn from methodical removal of my teeth? a fork swirling around in my stomach, twisting my intestines like soggy spaghetti? would i see the truth or be blinded by the pain?

trying to convince myself IM NORMAL AHHH AHH AHHHH