This is Robert Evans "United States of Whatever" and we're just living in it

You truly are a master baiter

Everyone has a test environment, some devs are just lucky enough to have a seperate environment for production.

Morning sleep ins

We must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

Raid the US Strategic Cheese Reserve

I have no evidence to support this, but it's possible the secret service got word over their radio that the threat was neutralized and passed that on to him. But yes, that was also my initial thoughts too