Here it is!
matthewfacciani.substack.com/p/how-to-hav...

Full article here:
matthewfacciani.substack.com/p/how-to-hav...

You don’t have to “win” a debate or debunk every comment.
The goal is to create a space where both people feel respected enough to think clearly instead of shutting down.
Productive dialogue is built one meaningful exchange at a time.
🦃 Happy Thanksgiving, and good luck at the dinner table.

5. Repeat
One conversation won’t fix polarization.
But repeated, respectful interactions with people you actually know do help by building trust, reducing hostility, and making space for real understanding.

4. Revise your questions
Skip “Why do you believe that?”
Instead ask:
• “How does that work?”
• “How did you come to that conclusion?”
“How” questions spark reflection and curiosity.
Research shows they even make people more open-minded.

3. Reframe your message
We all interpret issues through our own values.
Translate your message into the values they prioritize (care, fairness, liberty, purity, etc.).
Storytelling also invites curiosity and help people understand why something matters, not just what you believe.

2. Relate to a shared identity
We’re more open to ideas from people we feel connected to.
Start with shared identity — family, experiences, community, values — before you disagree.
A little “we” goes a long way.

1. Respect is foundational
People think more clearly when they feel respected, not judged. Empathy doesn’t mean you agree, it shows you value the person, and they will be more likely to listen. Active listening, patience, and reflecting back what you heard lowers defensiveness and builds trust.

I'm also posting a guide on how to have more productive dialogue this holiday season on my Substack soon!

Link to the full episode here:
matthewfacciani.substack.com/p/bespoke-re...

also, we get to find out the origins of her "no upside" social media handle!

Link to paper (open access):
www.frontiersin.org/journals/soc...