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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 7h

INTERVIEWER: Dr. Amniotiv, who are you wearing this evening?

DR. AMNIOTIV: This is a Bob Mackie lab coat whose hem-to-seam ratio is equal to that of Rackam’s Theory of Saltine Dynamics. Plus big shoulder pads.

On the Red Carpet of the Nobel Prizes

INTERVIEWER: Chemical engineer Dr. Chesel Amniotiv is looking resplendent in orange gabardine, with cobalt accents of actual cobalt. Let’s see if w...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 16h

"I support things like civil rights, access to education, and medical research. You could never imagine me sitting in the front row at the inauguration of a far-right ruler who promised to destroy those things."

Hi, I’m an Early 2010s Tech CEO

I wear the same T-shirt every day, and I have a relatably unkempt haircut. I remind you of the smart kids from high school, so I give you hope that...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 9h

EDDIE: A wild goose chase?

FREDDIE: No. Geese was who I got.

FREDDIE: I got Geese.

EDDIE: Goose?

FREDDIE: No, Geese.

EDDIE: More than one?

FREDDIE: It’s just the one. Geese

EDDIE: I’m saying. Geese is more than Goose.

Freddie and Eddie, the Nation’s Leading Temu Abbott and Costello, in “Dat Bird!”

“Goose is a jam band. Geese is indie rock. They both have new albums. They’re also both on tour. Confused? We can help.” — New York Times - - -FRED...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 9h

A large rat, wearing a coat made of smaller rats, looks over his shoulder as he scurries toward his subway lair.

UPRIGHT: Manifesting into reality, asserting one’s truth
REVERSED: Literally nobody believes in you.

Tarot Readings for Life in the Big, Soul-Crushing City

Life in the big city can be many things. But mostly it is hard, expensive, and exhausting. Occasionally, it can smell like poop. Above all, it is c...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 9h

"We separate people from their kids. Tackle as many of them as possible. Zip-tie their toddlers and grandparents. And stand around looking tough. We look so tough. Increasingly, we also really need to take dumps."

Please Let Our Warfighters Use Your Restroom

By now, you’ve noticed our brave patriots—ICE, the National Guard, police officers, select local mall cops, rando bodyguards, weird little incels, ...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 10h

“Keeping It Together for Three More Weeks: How to Think of Your Suffering as Penance for All the Awful Things You’ve Probably Done” will now take place a week from Wednesday in the basement of the main gymnasium next to the room with the broken pool pump.

The Faculty Mental Health Fair Has Been Postponed Again

Dear Faculty: Due to concerns expressed by the students, parents, and staff, you are invited to attend a mandatory emergency mental health fair in ...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 17h

"This book was crafted to live within any library in America. It was written by a team specializing in what is most important in good books: that it appeals to conservative politicians and that one mom on the PTA."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/fin...

Finally, a Book That Cannot Be Banned

This is a good book. It has a cover and many pages. This book is endorsed by parents and is church-friendly. It is clean and full of Grace, as in i...

www.mcsweeneys.net

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 18h

"I was purchased at a Miami-Dade jewelry store that is really a front for a Medicare fraud scheme. As God intended."

I Am Pam Bondi’s Shiny Gold Cross Necklace

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was “accessorize.” I am equal parts holy relic and regional pageant tiara. I...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 3d

"IT has seen the things you’ve done, the things you’ve become. Stealing your sister’s lighter. How deeply you embraced Ska. That time you told Jeremy you weren’t screen-peeking in Goldeneye, you were just really good from playing with your cousin."

Only ’90s Kids Will Understand This Dead Language Found Scrawled in Blood on the Wall of a Taco Bell Bathroom

Remember Ecto Cooler? IT remembers you. IT remembers every dark day you spent hiding in your room. All the hours listening to NSYNC while you carve...

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bd barone @bdbarone.bsky.social · 13h

My latest thing in @mcsweeneys.net! www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/hi-...

Hi, I’m an Early 2010s Tech CEO

I wear the same T-shirt every day, and I have a relatably unkempt haircut. I remind you of the smart kids from high school, so I give you hope that...

www.mcsweeneys.net

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 3d

The Spirit moved across eight rented A100s in a hyperscale Iowa data center.

Temperatures rose. Logs flickered. Fans hummed.

Somewhere, a metrics dashboard trembled.
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/the...

The Immaculate Conception of ChatGPT

In the beginning, there was the Model. And the Model was without form. And darkness was upon the face of the training data. The Spirit of Sam Altm...

www.mcsweeneys.net

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cdraivpipds.bsky.social @cdraivpipds.bsky.social · 2d

This is the chocolate experience I desire.

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 2d

"If you’re hoping for chocolate that’ll show up outside your bedroom window with Peter Gabriel on a boombox, go buy some Godiva from a Kohl’s. Pick up some matching CZ wedding rings while you’re there, you pathetic fucking romantic."

This Chocolate Will Kick Your Teeth In

Are you looking for sweet, melty chocolate that makes you feel comforted—or are you a fucking adult? Are you grown up enough to appreciate that eve...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"I literally don’t know how the hell I hit your window from this angle, Brian’s Neighbor. Do bricks abide by a different law of physics? I think I’m getting the yips. I’m going to close my eyes for the next one and see what happens."

A Series of Messages Tied to Bricks Thrown Through My Ex’s Neighbor’s Window

FUCK YOU, BRIAN! - - - FUCK YOU, BRIAN! Also, please tell your neighbor to the right (your left) that I apologize for smashing their window. - - -...

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Vanda Wilcox @vandawilcox.bsky.social · 1d

Reposting for no reason at all 🙃

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

“Keeping It Together: How Not to Get So Burned Out That You Walk Out in the Middle of Class” will now be a slideshow presented in the haunted auditorium by Jim “Flip” Philips, head coach of the varsity TP team.

The Faculty Mental Health Fair Has Been Postponed Again

Dear Faculty: Due to concerns expressed by the students, parents, and staff, you are invited to attend a mandatory emergency mental health fair in ...

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Reposted by McSweeney's

Katherine @katherinecrosby.bsky.social · 1d

I love McSweeney’s

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"The main byproduct is turning a small community of relative strangers into a gladiatorial arena of imaginary power dynamics."

Nextdoor App or Stanford Prison Experiment?

1. It was founded in Silicon Valley with the sole purpose of amassing a bunch of prospective sociopaths together in one centralized location. 2. It...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 16h

"I support things like civil rights, access to education, and medical research. You could never imagine me sitting in the front row at the inauguration of a far-right ruler who promised to destroy those things."

Hi, I’m an Early 2010s Tech CEO

I wear the same T-shirt every day, and I have a relatably unkempt haircut. I remind you of the smart kids from high school, so I give you hope that...

buff.ly

2 27 110

Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"Fascist regimes have classic, telltale traits, like vilifying immigrants, adopting patriotic symbolism of their nation’s glorious past, and embracing a narrow definition of masculinity and family values. But just because we also do all of those things does not make us fascists."

We Are Not Fascists, and If You Call Us Fascists, We Will Arrest You

President Trump had another successful week of what is already the greatest presidency of all time, and yet, the woke leftist mob continues to deli...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 17h

"This book was crafted to live within any library in America. It was written by a team specializing in what is most important in good books: that it appeals to conservative politicians and that one mom on the PTA."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/fin...

Finally, a Book That Cannot Be Banned

This is a good book. It has a cover and many pages. This book is endorsed by parents and is church-friendly. It is clean and full of Grace, as in i...

www.mcsweeneys.net

2 10 58

Reposted by McSweeney's

Ruth Marshall @wtfis2bdone.bsky.social · 1d

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 18h

"I was purchased at a Miami-Dade jewelry store that is really a front for a Medicare fraud scheme. As God intended."

I Am Pam Bondi’s Shiny Gold Cross Necklace

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was “accessorize.” I am equal parts holy relic and regional pageant tiara. I...

buff.ly

17 100

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 19h

INTERVIEWER: Dr. Amniotiv, who are you wearing this evening?

DR. AMNIOTIV: This is a Bob Mackie lab coat whose hem-to-seam ratio is equal to that of Rackam’s Theory of Saltine Dynamics. Plus big shoulder pads.

On the Red Carpet of the Nobel Prizes

INTERVIEWER: Chemical engineer Dr. Chesel Amniotiv is looking resplendent in orange gabardine, with cobalt accents of actual cobalt. Let’s see if w...

buff.ly

8 55

Reposted by McSweeney's

McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

MYTH: “The President stood in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shot [somebody].”

FACT: It was East 57th Street, the President was on the sidewalk, and there were multiple targets.

GOP Talking Points for President Trump’s Fifth Avenue Massacre

Press reports have given currency to flat-out falsehoods about the Executive Action. MYTH: The President “brandished” an assault rifle. FACT: Semi...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 22h

- Yeah Yeah Yeahs
- Nine Inch Nails
- Pledge Drive Tote Bag

1990s Band or Offhand Comment from My Tween About My Outfit?

1. Pearl Jam1 2. Old Lady Curtains2 3. Blind Melon3 4. Alice in Chains4 5. Judge Judy in a Bathrobe5 6. Garbage6 7. Smashing Pumpkins7 8. Toad the ...

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 1d

"When the city seems to be throwing all kinds of confusing omens and symbols your way, why not turn to a little divination to see what the city is really trying to tell you?"

Tarot Readings for Life in the Big, Soul-Crushing City

Life in the big city can be many things. But mostly it is hard, expensive, and exhausting. Occasionally, it can smell like poop. Above all, it is c...

buff.ly

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McSweeney's @mcsweeneys.net · 22h

"Tilly Norwood’s portrayal of Anna, a curator entangled in romantic disarray, leans more toward irritating than sympathetic. Meanwhile, Oliver Pepitone’s Mack, a fumbling security guard, is reduced to a flat archetype with little narrative substance."

AI-Generated Reviews of AI-Generated Actor’s Tilly Norwood’s AI-Generated Movies

“An ‘AI actor’ named Tilly Norwood has been causing a stir after its Dutch creators said the synthetic performer is in talks with talent agencies.”...

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