Hey, if you see me reading a book, it’s not an open invitation to come start a conversation. I wanna fucking read and avoid socializing with humans.

Why do mediums only ever seem to contact the loving deceased family members? Where’s the message from your dearly departed mother who’s ashamed of all the werewolf smut on your kindle?

I know I’m probably late to the game but I just googled Kevin Durant’s feet and man are my targeted ads about to get wild

Hospital Cafeteria Strawberry Cheesecake: 3/10 It looks kinda like cheesecake, it smells like cheesecake, but it tastes like clinically depressed cream cheese topped with terminally ill strawberries. And the congealed fat in the strawberry syrup is a whole new level of cafeteria food depravity.

Peppermint ruins everything

Imagine my disappointment when they don’t squeak when you squeeze them

Me, trying to make conversation with my older co-worker: So even though murder is kinda bad, we should burn the whole US privatized healthcare system to the fucking ground
Co-worker: *blank stare*
Me: *sighs* what you were saying about the eye patch dude on Days of Our Lives?
*Co-worker now A&O x3*

Pro tip: Being a dick to the nurse starting your IV or the lab person drawing your blood is a foolproof way to make sure they do a great job.

Time to get horny for annual workplace safety training

Up in da club tonight