Fueled by dino nuggets and rage

The Venn Diagram of "men who skip leg day at the gym" and "men who don't eat pussy" is just a circle. No further questions.

Every Time I go to the farmer's market I'm confronted with the fun internal question of "did they create a new vegetable or did I just grow up super poor?"

No, no, you're fine, it's just the way you called that group of women "females" made me want to throw you off a cliff

I just feel like if I could hit the Hayley Williams high note in All I Wanted just once I would be completely healed

Raise your hand if you've been personally victimized by a boy whose music taste is entirely influenced by Tony Hawk's Pro Skater

PUT YOUR KEYS IN YOUR POCKET. I don't want to get excited to see what I think is a doggo with a jingly collar to find it's only Jonathan™ in a Carhartt beanie with his 4Runner keys clipped to his khakis

I feel like a secret agent every time I change the song on my Bluetooth headphones

"I got rice cooking in the microwave" is honestly such a wild way to start a song about how good life is