Santa should pay my gas bill this month.
December 17, 2025 at 1:31 AM
Santa should pay my gas bill this month.
At this rate (and economy) everyone on my holiday shopping list is getting a Little Caesar’s Hot-N-Ready Pizza for Christmas.
November 29, 2025 at 3:22 PM
At this rate (and economy) everyone on my holiday shopping list is getting a Little Caesar’s Hot-N-Ready Pizza for Christmas.
When all of the greats are gone, who is left? Just a bunch of assholes.
August 2, 2025 at 12:47 AM
When all of the greats are gone, who is left? Just a bunch of assholes.
When the wind blows my hair away from my face it makes me feel like a model
July 11, 2025 at 5:25 PM
When the wind blows my hair away from my face it makes me feel like a model
People who chew with their mouths open at restaurants should be forced to sit in a separate room full of other people that also chew with their mouths open so that they can all see how gross it looks.
July 5, 2025 at 6:47 PM
People who chew with their mouths open at restaurants should be forced to sit in a separate room full of other people that also chew with their mouths open so that they can all see how gross it looks.
What's your favorite planet, Planet Fitness or Value World?
April 23, 2025 at 10:02 PM
What's your favorite planet, Planet Fitness or Value World?
Listen up, my dear shorties— Jesus died for your shins.
April 20, 2025 at 11:01 PM
Listen up, my dear shorties— Jesus died for your shins.
Random mundane tasks are not errands; they're more like "don't even carerrands."
April 4, 2025 at 1:08 AM
Random mundane tasks are not errands; they're more like "don't even carerrands."
i didn’t know that Avon filed for bankruptcy (i don’t know which chapter, i just read the headline not the entire book)
March 16, 2025 at 4:14 PM
i didn’t know that Avon filed for bankruptcy (i don’t know which chapter, i just read the headline not the entire book)
My signature move when I'm feeling blue (which has been a lot lately) is pretending that my iPhone is a harmonica
March 15, 2025 at 6:24 PM
My signature move when I'm feeling blue (which has been a lot lately) is pretending that my iPhone is a harmonica
They should rename Imitation Vanilla Extract. Something like: Vanillugh, Vaneela, Wanilla, or even Silly-Vanilli.
March 11, 2025 at 9:37 PM
They should rename Imitation Vanilla Extract. Something like: Vanillugh, Vaneela, Wanilla, or even Silly-Vanilli.
The day after Daylight Saving Time should be a paid holiday that everybody has off called "Adjustment Day."
March 10, 2025 at 2:49 AM
The day after Daylight Saving Time should be a paid holiday that everybody has off called "Adjustment Day."
Either my dog snores, or my spirit animal has asthma.
March 9, 2025 at 4:02 PM
Either my dog snores, or my spirit animal has asthma.
Temp service life is sometimes saying “Why yes, I'd love to get paid to answer the phone for just 3 hours tomorrow...”
March 8, 2025 at 4:06 PM
Temp service life is sometimes saying “Why yes, I'd love to get paid to answer the phone for just 3 hours tomorrow...”
And sometimes lonely hearts they just get lonelier.
February 17, 2025 at 7:45 PM
And sometimes lonely hearts they just get lonelier.
“it did not look like this online,” - my new favorite critique
February 9, 2025 at 2:30 PM
“it did not look like this online,” - my new favorite critique
in other news, it’s hardly noticeable that i cut my own hair in the bathroom yesterday 💁🏼♀️
February 9, 2025 at 1:58 PM
in other news, it’s hardly noticeable that i cut my own hair in the bathroom yesterday 💁🏼♀️
February 7, 2025 at 10:53 PM
Break up with people using poetry. There's nothing classier than turning a haiku into a byeku
February 7, 2025 at 8:49 PM
Break up with people using poetry. There's nothing classier than turning a haiku into a byeku
Happy Lunar New Year! ✨🐍🧧
January 29, 2025 at 1:47 AM
Happy Lunar New Year! ✨🐍🧧
I’m really good at guessing people’s star signs— because usually if they’re not an ozempic or a narcissistic, they’re a pisces.
January 18, 2025 at 10:22 PM
I’m really good at guessing people’s star signs— because usually if they’re not an ozempic or a narcissistic, they’re a pisces.
I just had the sneezing version of a heart attack.
January 6, 2025 at 7:06 PM
I just had the sneezing version of a heart attack.
“Hello. I’d like to return this— it’s not defective, it’s just ugly.”
January 1, 2025 at 5:31 PM
“Hello. I’d like to return this— it’s not defective, it’s just ugly.”