Honestly a little funny that the current research seems to imply the most toxic thing about vaping is the shitty artificial flavoring. How embarrassing that it’s not even the drugs that kill you, it’s the fucking Blue Razz Pizazz.

Me: ahh…dusk in Arizona is the perfect time of day.

Mosquito: Amen, brother.

Me:…

Mosquito: Me and 50 of my friends are gonna drink all your fucking blood now.

One of the biggest power moves I’ve ever seen was when I was using the bathroom and this old guy sat down in the stall next to me and INITIATED a phone call. So far beyond giving a fuck.

Fellow progressives, we can clown on the Cracker Barrel nonsense all we want but we need to stop acting like a big ol country fried steak, fried okra, and biscuits with apple butter isn’t satisfying as fuck.

Looks like he deleted it but Rhys James once tweeted a picture of this with the caption “that don’t impress me much” and I’ve been laughing about it for years

Not to be a curmudgeon, but it feels like the only three genres in modern music are Car Commercial, TikTok Sound, and Trolls Soundtrack

My perfect, mostly-offline wife has never heard of this app and I think if I tried to tell her about it she would simply put me down with the Anton Chigurh gun.

It is 2024 you do not need a “man cave” you need the NYT Crossword app and the leftover pills from your wife’s procedure.

If we are all starting over on here then I want a cool nickname like “Sticks.”

My toddler waved her fork in front of my face so I naturally jerked backwards, where my other toddler was waiting with his fork pointed out. A concerted attack worthy of Sun Tzu.

How can I be expected to Live Más under these conditions?

Good guys in Mortal Kombat: I must leave behind a life of peace to defend that which is righteous and just.

Also good guys in Mortal Kombat: I’m going to rip out your ribcage with my bare hands and shatter it on your head and use the broken rib bones to stab your eyes then pull them apart so your—

Can’t believe we haven’t invented an arbitrary food tradition for 9/11 yet, like July 4th BBQ and Thanksgiving turkey.
9/11 tall boys and corn dogs.

Me when my baby spilled their milk and started crying.

Tonight I am piloting the “Working Man’s FourLoko, which is an oatmeal stout topped with Deathwish black coffee. Results to come.

One of my students told me I look like an only child. Which is not true, but it’s maybe the only way a 9-year old can conceptualize “adult who is desperate for attention and bad with social cues.”

Blippi should have a sword. No questions.

Tonight I gave my kids leftovers for dinner and now that they’re asleep my wife and I are getting Whataburger. Posting here to gloat where they will never find it like a serial killer but with selfish parenting.