I’ve been less active on here even after I promised I would try to show up more, and a big part of the reason for it is that the pain + physical therapy exercises take up just so much of my energy every day. I hadn’t even realized it until recently

That’s it, for now. I’m just. I’m tired, grandpa

And it’s great to daydream about getting top surgery one day but my back hurts Right Now. and so all I can do is special order some underwire bras and continue strength building in my back and shoulders, and hope that’s good enough, until a better opportunity arises

I got a professional bra fitting recently on my PT’s advice and that’s a whole other can of worms as someone NB leaning masc in fashion preferences (ma’am I’m not here for lacy lingerie I’m here for a support garment that does the job) but I learned my size is a “specialty stores only” kind of size

Short version: in the past, oh, decade? the only kind of support wear I’ve been able to find that fits ok has been sports bras (so— with no wires, no support from below). I am now in physical therapy trying to reverse the damage of leaving my shoulders to bear all that goddamn weight for 10+ years

GOD this is real 😭 I couldn’t believe it when I went to NC the other day and it was in the 70s!! Ended up just leaving my coat in the car lmao

And they actually enjoy letting me express myself. They are here to help me, and they are not sighing when I open my mouth or ignoring me when I want to be heard.

And on that note— to the friends who may be reading this:

Thank you 💛

Fighting back against that line of thought and struggling to trust that these people wanted to be there, that they enjoyed the thing we were creating together.

And it’s a struggle!!!

But I’m posting this as a reminder for myself. My brain is in survival mode maybe, but my friends care about me

It’s very scary, I’m not gonna lie. I just wrapped up a big group activity I’d organized, and I’m fighting NOT to overthink every moment and NOT to be convinced that all the people who showed up, helped me put it together, who thanked me for planning and said they had fun… were just being polite

And I know this was never really their intention, but my god is it wild to look back on it all in hindsight and recognize the changes in myself. and to compare that with the groups I’m a part of now. to see myself starting to get comfortable with “shining” again, unabashedly grabbing the spotlight

I got infinitely more afraid of expressing myself for fear of rejection. Small rejections like somebody heaving a playfully tired sigh when I try to share an anecdote or a story, but bigger ones too, like being left out of group plans. Left out of a group tattoo that I only learned of after the fact

— then I guess they felt like it was their job to keep me grounded? And so that was what they did. A lot. And over time I realize that I got less outgoing, and talked less, and I got infinitely more self-conscious. Especially about asking my friends for attention or validation in any form at all

THANK YOU IN ADVANCE 💖 and please feel free to DM me here or on Discord if you're interested in volunteering!

(planning a blood drive event and in-character he simply won't be able to do everything alone! not to mention - out of character, the turnout for my casual events so far has me thinking I may need one or two volunteers to give me a hand with some things, if I want to be able to host effectively!)