Thank you 🥰🥹

I admit I kinda loved doing it but it was also a lot of hours of trying to shade everything right 😂

Anyways, I wish I had faith in all the people watching this also hyping up and pushing I Wish You All the Best but I don't, but I hope I get to see it and pay for it in this corner of the world regardless.

There's not really a point to the ramble as always. Just me feeling my feelings about this imperfect thing that I wish had space for me & my identity on a broader scale, while simultaneously also being happy that in the political climate many places in the world are in, *this* show is doing so well.

Loving and resenting the whole whirlwind and feeling like you can't talk about all the things not perfect about it just does that to me.

I get cranky when HR is called "intensely queer". I get annoyed by the shitty clickbait articles about the genre & the sweeping declarations in its defense.

The reactions around the show & the reactions to the reactions make me feel the same feelings. I love that thing and I love that ppl love it, and yet I struggle with it a lot too. Bc the constant barrage of positivity at least to me is also very frustrating since it's mostly creating resentment.

Or "why romance isn't for me" or something like that. Let's just say it felt right at the moment and did absolutely nothing for me or anyone else in the long run.

And it's hard to sit with that. Loving this thing and believing in its potential while constantly being rejected from it.

But bc they were written in a way that was explicitly & unarguably denying my existence. And that's not going into nonbinary ppl in adult romance books being the actual MCs.

I did air my grievances once very publicly in a very personal manner. I think I called the essay "it don't feel safe here"

At one point I started keeping track of which romances I read didn't exclude my existence from their world entirely. I think I stopped after a month or so bc it sucked the joy of reading a lot of romance books right out of me. Not bc they weren't well written romances, far from it.

For me, it's bc the genre itself inspires the exact same emotions. I love the romance genre, I love reading the really great stuff but fantastic authors. While I'm also continually frustrated by a huge part of it. Always have been.

A lot of it has to do with being resigned to a lot of things.

Bc it is happymaking to see & hear so many people talk about their enjoyment of the romance part of it, and the horny part. As a romance reader it's lovely to see ppl discover & appreciate the genre.

And at the same time it's also so fucking frustrating.

That's the thing! Like, I'm not opposed to being praised for the way I work, but the way she framed it in this instance felt like an admission of failure on all levels, especially leadership, and also... Let's talk money then, bc I feel like I'm being paid in exposure & pats on the head for this.

You might say you're too invested personally and can't be professionally distant in the way these young adults need, but praising me for being better educated and more knowledgeable than you when it comes to this? Feels very wrong and not complimentary at all.

That should NOT be a conversation topic that is going right over your head as a professional in social work. Wtf is "being more knowledgeable" even supposed to mean here? It's not rocket science, this should be part of your basic training, especially if you've been working in the field for 20 yrs.

Half of the conversation last night was discussing how these young people as outsiders of certain situations, in their leadership roles, deal with the protection of victims, what listening to survivors means in different situations and what it means to do everything they can and what are no-gos.

Especially bc this was at the heart of it a discussion about boundaries, inappropriate behavior and how you deal with certain instances and people you want to kick in the nuts as a private person but can't do it in your official capacity.

And I did not know what to say bc all I was able to think was a mixture of "great, pay me for it then" & "I don't think it's a good employee management practice to tell me that you feel less competent than me when you ask me to work more".

Like, this was not a moment that felt like a compliment.

There's exactly one movement I can make that brings short-term relief but unfortunately I can't stay on the floor indefinitely