granted they're not exciting in fact they are Comically boring drawings bc i only draw landscapes but somehow it helps me idk. it is nice to cook up a little place in nature and dream (said the guy pretending not to have stockholm syndrome for the great concrete jungle)

i feel like those posts that are like men when they find out other people have feelings but like. the opposite. me when i find out other people's feelings don't actually matter as much as mine do and everyone else has been living like that so why the hell have i been making it so hard for myself

when they don't even give me a chance, never mind lenience in turn? i just always thought. my feelings are worthless, so people being mean to me didn't "count" as part of an objective view of their character. but also why do i have to be objective lmao? my feelings matter the most! in my own life!!!

i feel like this sounds so simple but it just feels like. i cracked a code or something. it just finally hit me that people cannot be objectively nice and also mean to me at the same time. why have i always made excuses for other people for treating me poorly? why do i give them so much lenience

but recently i've been like. i don't think i am the worst actually? so when people treat me poorly i can think bad things abt them. bc i haven't done anything to deserve being treated poorly, and anyone who treats another person poorly for no reason is an asshole even if they're nice to others??

no matter what happened i would just like. forbid myself from ever thinking anything bad about someone unless i was 198308% sure they deserved it and even then i would just feel guilty bc i would be like ugh someone like Me has no right to think something bad about anyone else because i am the Worst

i feel like until now whenever people treated me poorly it would make me upset bc i would be like. well they treat Other people nicely so they are Objectively nice but for some reason they are not nice to Me so. i must be the problem if nice people don't like me. i must be Not nice. obviously

well regardless. i just wanted to dump here that i finally understood something today. three weeks away from turning 24 (screams) but like. i get it now. i am like. important?? i'm like. the most important. not ever but like. in my own life. in my world. i am the most important??

it's not fair for me to even pretend that enst hasn't changed my life and done so Much to turn me into who i am today (happier than i have been in. so long) but lord. what a hellhole. detoxing from t/w/t and enst fandom was perhaps one of the best choices i ever made like i am Free

honestly i still wanna post meta for it. i haven't caught up to newer stories but i really would like to give the new stuff a shot anyway and i still have So Many thoughts on the old stuff that never saw the light of day. perhaps. if i ever get free time again. sniffles

i do miss so much abt the experience of like . producing a char and all the hype that came with it so i feel like the moment your reaction to a new card is Ughhh not this grind again that means it is time to let go. i think in some ways i enjoy it more now than i ever did even relative to before

i hate the new ui and it made me stop opening the app. i should offload all the resources already. greedy ass game. i now consider myself to be sort of "enstars agnostic" where i still Care about the culture (the lore) but refuse to touch the canon (the game itself). said like i was indoctrinated

like. absolutely comical levels of greed and artificially manufactured desperation i remember being So fervent bc i was like no... if i don't support switch what am i worth... they get so little as it is i can't give an inch or they will have Less... looking back i am like bro? ur a victim

that said i Am going to die mad bc i cannot believe they have given every miserable character a kid model before ntmg it's like alien who even cares. I CARE BRO IT'S BEEN 6 YEARS....? we lost akira in that time so it won't even matter bc the story will be bad but it is still so funny never change he

this only really started bc i on a whim decided to listen to my fav songs and was absolutely bowled over by how much i still love the core of what got me into enst in the first place... my heart will never be the same there will Always be this little soft spot where element was and that ? is okay